In retrospect, fairly clear.

"I" don't know what I am doing, better or worse for myself or the world. I do "think" that the more I throw myself into life, the better it seems and the more I withdraw the worse. I need to remember to eat, to nourish myself both with food and with quiet constantly if peace is what I actually want in my life. I have confused thinking, obsessing and ruminating rather than simply applying the tools of work and surrender to my life and my experience.

The simple act of turning my attention toward "quiet" is all that is necessary for me to enjoy relief from ego or personality which claims to know heaven but only offers me hell. It is the activity of seeking soulutions or meaning elsewhere but through grace that is so painful that I must constantly be medicated still desiring death, not of the body or the grace of life but death of the egoic separation that has come to be synonymous with suffering and hell for this either blessed or cursed man. For I know that I asked for this experience, that all my life "I" have been "seeking" a greater sense of grace or connection with "god" or reality or whatever could possibility relieve a sense of abandonment and separation from that very self same. Or just as likely accepting my actual "purpose".

My greatest mistake or worse habit is to seek validation and confirmation from those unqualified or incapable of providing it. Of course sanity appears to be madness to the mad person and so the madness of consumerism is invisible to those content with the gains and profits of the market place.

It is only those who feel the emptiness of material things and void projected through casual approval based upon material achievements who will seek greater meaning and depth in life. That meaning will only be temporally assuaged through seeking and the company of seekers and praise, something greater eventually must be found to quiet the yearning of the heart for a wholeness that is not found though carnal love or even validation. Only the self can acknowledge the deep needing and the deep fulfillment that the love and company of god brings. There are simply no words or language to point one beyond the simple direction, away from everything that can be known or held, bought or appreciated. That which truly fulfills one is beyond all that both consistently present and always absent as long as we choose to long rather than be fulfilled.

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Progress

I am pleased and happily surprised at how well the combination of medication and meetings, yoga and prayer and action has transformed my life in relatively such a short period of time. While difficult to acknowledge and understand, I cannot control my own recovery process, at the best all I can do is follow directions and get out of my own way. As the slogan states: My best thinking got me into this situation, something radically different is necessary if I want different results or a better future. Repeating the same beliefs and actions will only guarantee that I receive the same miserable results that I have finally become willing to let go of and seek an different, better, more loving and loved way of life. Life is definitely what I make of it, rather than coming with its own intrinsic meaning, and that sentence is both true and false, for while each moment is full and complete in itself the experience of time and continuity is a result of the witness which is constantly creating a dialogue and value judgment of the experience. This "story" is actually less important and far less inclusive than experience and ideally "my" life will become more focused on the former than the latter.

Perspective

It’s difficult sometimes to have any perspective

“My” mind, does not seem to work so clearly anymore

It seems that it has become damaged, along with the planet,

our ecosphere, or spiritual sphere, our love sphere.

Violence becomes the reality of the moment

In so many very painful expressions.

the worst is always to ourselves,

yet as we mature we understand

that we are one and the same.

While we may love peace and unity,

There seems less and less of it in each day.

This is not to devalue it’s truth or beauty,

It become more precious every moment.

The ability to step away from fear and surrender to reality

To accept that what is, is and that peace and love is possible

Even in hell, one can love, one can reach toward the light

And smile, and offer kind words, or expressions, a crust of bread

Amidst a hurricane, tsunami, or volcanic eruption of dis-ease.

Our leaders seem incapable of doing much positive

Except small gestures that we are told to be grateful for.

Corporations and violent oppressive institutions rule western society

Until American dominance finally recedes, to late to be of any use.

I fear the worst, and try to appreciate the best, that is available every moment.

There is beauty love and happiness in my life.

There is clean air and water where i am privileged to live.

There is economic abundance and excess as almost nowhere else.

We are in heaven as the planet slowly begins to shrug us off like a

Dog, going for a long swim, to rid itself of fleas.

This flea is happy to surrender thoughts of “meaning” or grandiosity

Thoughts of responsibility or failure to respond, and accept that

Life is a passing gift to be appreciated while it lasts.

That kindness and compassion are enough.

Gratitude

Thank  you for the prayers

healing intentions, and thoughts,

gentle love flowers within