Non-Linear Trajectory

I like to pretend I’m in control

That I know what is happening

and where I this will all end

I’m so gratefull that this insanity

is not constant, today.

Now humbly with pain

I can be sunedered

from some of my ego

remembering that I

Will go whither I am thrown

And that my only choices

Are subtle, and lovely.

This Sadness

Like a heavy stone lid, thick dark and obfuscating

Its appears to rest grave upon your brow

Heavy and painful in the dawn light of life

I imagine a sarcophagus sealing not death, but life

The waters of darkness become grief fluid

Always this mystery of life from death

Unknown gifts await those who are willing

To risk the plunge into an unimagined future

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Rejecting Local Realisim

Always this reluctance

To attempt the impossible

Washing away our mingled scent and essence

Your molecules deep in my being

Coming into orbit in my soul

There is a resonance in our fields

So exquisite it hurts, this connection of

Karma and love calling inseparable

Incessantly demanding surrender

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.

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Silence so Loud

I’m quiet in some mute way

I feel deaf to the madness that

Dominated “me” for so long

It speaks quietly now in my heart

Calling me towards others suffering

As well as my own past, an opening of heart

To a unknown vulnerability I had suspected

Lay in wait, within the labyrinthine paths of soul.

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Grasping And Aversion

Grasping And Aversion

We all know these actions of the ego,
Which seems so inseparable from the self
Without detachment & awareness.

Pain is at the heart of both in the end
For me.

I slowly come to trust in the path
Beneath my feet

Somehow I find compassion within my heart

Natural Buddha nature, unsought, awakens.

Letting go of judgment, hope, and fear

I practice to abide, gently, in the world
As together, we breathe

Past & Future

I’m so scared to be alone, not in the moment, but in the future. The future scares me. I think it scares us all. I can be calm, here, in the light of the campfire of the now, in the dark I wander lost between the inviolate moonscapes of the past and the twinkling star glimmers shining, bringing me my future in their dying light, long extinguished, far away.

Relating

I can see that when speaking of my anger or disappointment with relationships is very hard for me. Particularly when there is an actual depth of feeling. I seem to be unable to tolerate different opinions or experiences or even explanations.

What I really want at these times is abject submission or apology.

There is a feeling as if I have to be treated as I treated my parents.

All these feeling of shame and hurt come up that I could not express as a child. I instead internalized. I made myself wrong, bad, shameful and perhaps this happened because of some messages I received as a child.

I never guessed that I caused my parents harm. I never imagined that they were capable of feeling hurt. I guess that I always assumed that they were invulnerable and uncaring. I guess that’s how I had to see them in relation to how I felt hurt by them.

Yet at some point after leaving home, I left these feelings of pain somewhere outside of me. Not so far, evidently, because I can see that they come up rather quickly, in any intimate relating with another.

I really liked meeting with K, She seems like a good fit, perhaps better than many I have had in the past. I think I will stick with K, I like her, she is sweet and kind and a bit tough, a good mix for me.

Sunday night. what a painful day. I really miss ____ allot. I miss her and know the relating was a long way from deep at the end, but she soothed me and I miss that. I also love her and I’m quite sad.

I also am so scared, I don’t know what’s going to unfold, sometimes I have hope and optimism and other times I fell so dark and hurt and angry I just want to die and even hurt people I feel have hurt me. I understand my suicidal thoughts are linked to my parents and my anger at and with them for ignoring me and letting me get hurt by others.I also want to continue to keep my focus on my recovery as well as abstinence, for as long and much as possible.

Today

I wonder at my writing here again. Looking for attention or approval?

Can it be something more or less

Reaching out in my humanity for some subtle connection of community or humanity

I don't know why, and i can stop the thinking, for now.

I am grateful for everything, even though it is really just not fighting what is,

gratitude as surrender to this constantly shifting experience.

On moment happy, the next crying, learning to let go of all ideas of "what's right".

This simply is. All the joy and suffering, mine and the worlds.

It is, I am. somehow willing to submit to this now

instead of the violent self hating that is resistance to "this".

I can love what is, if only moment by moment.

as rumi says

Say yes,

Quickly.