So one day you decide to walk through the fear and embrace your gift.

The curse or the challenge you have failed at every day,
all of your life, except when filled by grace of love
those moments of work or women, nature and silence
that you picked up the pen and wrote, not ness rally out of pain,
or to save your own life, but in expression of the desire to serve.
Telling stories is like telling a lie when your trying to save a life
not even necessarily your own.


Your standing in the middle of the jungle in Guatemala, with some rich tourists that you’d be embarrassed to introduce too your mom. facing some kids with machetes and guns that don’t work, with only the language of fear and life, desperately wanting no one to die, I throw money, throw money, Todd Rundregun echoes through my mind in the middle of the jungle on the way to Tikal, we pay the road tax with grace and urine.



the audiences imagination is at stake. the primary work is to get words onto the screen. To create and express oneself emptiness in a way that engages the collective imagination, the creation and manipulation of memmes to force emotional maturation in the collective human psyche. The failure of the human race is the failures of the Bodhisattvas lack of patience.

It is the writers task to feed the innate craving for goodness in each person, to nurture and protect within the nest of words and images of the story, a warm and secure place for healing for the community.


I can’t help the run-on sentences.

I’m usually referring to the primary subject, yet not always so, read carefully and engage ones own imagination. What you think I mean may point you more clearly too your innate truth than anything this mind body stream may express.

I finally understand why people speak of channeling, that is after all, what the idea of the Muse is, the woman or women who engage and attract the masculine creative attention,
some how the energy of the purer. Expressed through, or motivated by fear of the Senex, death, disillusion, failure, is a catalyst for life, or egos grasping, at the very least.


So the challenge and opportunity to change the world, by re imaging it, re- creating it is the essence of reversionary history, for what we teach our children and tell ourselves does indeed create the Zeitgeist in which we live, yet a definition of enlightenment is to fully comprehend that human experience of death and suffering for the majority has not changed an iota from time out of mind. it has not changed in the last few generations or 6 as my life and my parents lives, long lived covered. there is great suffering and an joy in every moment, and so in the suffering of the majority is guaranteed and created a god realm to aspire to.

I realize that The reason I like Hienlien and card is that they imagine real heroes. the work to create innate trust and report in the readers mind to live to excess and yet be compassionate saviors of the saga. There is the scene of Araguna before the battle when he comprehends that all those he loves will die on the field of battle fighting each other and this is the deepest metaphor of our communites and familes that we shall ever have.
the onging challenge to bring imagintion, healing and humor to the moment is only balanced through our deed respect for all we cannot know.

There is no recipe for love. No guide to do it four us. Often we have to wait our entire lives for a simple glimpse of joy. I often have waited far to long between glances. Yet all the time, every day we share some compassion with another human, we deepen our own, for ourselfves.

Can i love a politician? How about the human underneath?

Whats it like to care for someone i fear has lost all moral compass

through the nature of the political process, and can i stand the

fear of disapointment, as i imagine a man i respect and can open my heart for.

It's weird, i'm more comfertable loving those i imagine are evil

enjoing the fact they are causing pain to others.

what do i do, when i see myself in that mirror?

Desire, Love & Change

As the American Political rhetoric resounds with strong ideals accompanied by the fear and anger of those holding opposite opinions, my own life is shifting.
I never thought I’d be happy or at peace again, when it's here, i simply love it. Now i am seeing it as a choice, certainly it is an effort, I have been struggling with my inner relationship, and the patterns of which I have become so intimately aware of, that at times i see that i am only joy without them. These patterns are predominately anger and violence as well as the drive for happiness, intoxicating joy and when in pain the seeking of oblivion, all completely commonplace and human.

Which brings me round about to the Passing of Studds Terkal , Praises upon our newest Ancestor!

Now back to the latest circus to entertain Americans, to distract us from ourselves.

Democracy and Obama !

I listened to him for a minute, talking war with McCain, talking bout killing "enemies" terrorists, he made an impression on me, he convinced me he is ready to kill people he’s never met, just because we disagree. Ya,sure, he is the lesser of 2 evils. Which would you pick, Göring or Mengele ? I just have to point out that both McCain & Obama consider violence an acceptable moral option for not just themselves, but an entire country and by extension the human race.

I would like to be proved wrong, I would like to find that Obama actually accepts the teachings of Christ or the Prophet Mohammad. That he can live from the peace that comes with surrender of the ego, of might makes right, and of the whole catastrophe of being "humane" killers.

At some point in evolution of spirit and consciousness, as members of and representative of the human species, and most importantly as children of out mother planet, as representives of the gift of Conciousness, the voice of Awareness, we can choose peace and non-violence as a response to violence and aggression, (what we now call “terrorism”. And finally as we make this choice more and more often for our families, and ourselves, we will eventually ask it from our police, our teachers and our leaders.

I love to embody radical non-violent shift in my psyche, and so the world. I like to live in peace within my heart, and so in the world. I am happiest when I have lost “I” in the act of loving you, so perhaps we can lose or lay down our habits for a moment and simply love one another.

So i will practice letting go of these words of irony, of cynacism and pain.

I live in the joy of knowing what is true will remain.

now

So i had my second appt today with Sarah about nutrition, it was cool, but i'm struck at how timely it was for me given my age, health and whole glycemic thing. I am borderline hypoglycemic and my tummy is a bit big. I don't know how much of that is body type and how much is a lack of exercise as i'v really slowed down working the last few years. I guess i have to start doing yoga again, i liked it and it helped my mood, it 's just about change, and i guess hiring Sarah is like having a coach kinda. We did a food history and somehow talked allot about my childhood and i started crying and i didn't want to cry in front of her. I'm confused about it. I feel safer crying when i'm not alone, yet i'v become ashamed about it. Like it's not ok to be sad, or it's somehow inappropriate at any time unless someone just died or something.
I'm actually happier than i'v been in a while. I guess i'm coming out of this depression that has been with me, on and off, all my life.

I'm afraid to lose my best friends and primary coping mechanism. I love that using analgesics takes the edge off the emotional pain that i became habituated too, ( both the pain, and the medication). I'm also getting of anti-depressants and almost all the drinking except maybe a glass of wine twice a week with dinner.

So that's all good. Work is picking up so that is great to not have to worry about. I have allot of free time and i am challenged to learn about food and cooking and implement the changes that i feel are in front of me. I also wonder about the whole African and American and "ward" shamanism. It seems that i am faced with the prospect of "merger" rituals next year, it's weird that i feel so bad and sad about myself and i think that impacts how i treat myself, how difficult is to have hope, and how easy it is to be angery about humanity and how we treat each other and the planet. It just breaks my heart. It has all my life and i feel responsible and sad.I just can see so clearly that it Could be very different, perhaps beautiful, and how being sad about how things could be really ocludes how wonderful "things" (or at least many aspects of my environment and daily experiences) are. how lucky how loved and fortunate i am. . .

Hitting the wall

I hit the wall today with my loving, I wanted to run

Anxiety reared its ugly head, telling me to something’s wrong

I’m so tired of running. I don’t want to anymore.

Still it’s so hard to stay., here, alone in the dark afraid.

Or next to my beloved, to just be quiet and stay.

I don’t know anything else I can do

Except remember all the love that is true.

The love we are, the love we do.

And how all the love comes back to being

There in the dark, for all who need help

even if it’s me.

थिस Sunday

it's good that i have friends that tease me, that give me perspective and truth.

I realize again the power of words, this strong lesson of learning the difference between sex and love is delivered again and again. How to love without desire or drive, impatience or any end. Loving is joy of being myself and sometimes, reveling in mutuality of love together.

Ilearn so much about myself from others who care, their experience of looming depression, the complete and total need to reject that as a path or direction of thought or attention.

I so love what i hold as truth for being validated, again and again by community.

I am happy, It's so weird. I don't know how to relax into simple joy, which is honestly the greatest gift i have to life.

I move to gratitude for all i have, and then i feel compassion and perhaps, a useful guilt, at my lifetime of bourgeois luxury to drive me to do something more than floors, or dwell of my own pain.

It's scary to have hope. I want to help the world. I want to do something better than hide in my home andfeel sorry or sick or struggle with stupid things like addiction, (in all it's forms) or depression when there is a world out there that i could in some small way help. I know that being clean, not driving aggressively, praying and allowing the tears to flow without story or shame, i can live some good into life and the world.

so I'm home watching movies on Google Zeitgeist addendum

I'm looking forward to an upbeat ending : )


Know always, that every small act of compassion and love, that flows from your heart, constantly throughout the day, with everyone you touch. Is a healing action for us all, the wold and the deepest action of one who truly loves god.

Grattitude

somehow I am getting my needs met in amazing and different ways than I ever imagined. I feel that as I relax into this I feel ___________’s heart opening in my chest. I can feel “her” or what I experience as her, here, now in my heart, also my throat all over my body. This is an ecstatic reality to love, that I have never embraced before….. I imagine, or dream into being, I invoke and entreat Aphrodite and Hera, all who look kindly upon us for all their blessings on our communal, expanded sharing inclusive love; this psychic & magical connection that spans space and time. In this way she can be away and I will be just fine, because I am with her. I imagine that I can tune into her, and of course she can and does tune into me.

So this is beautiful, I see that how I hold myself, how I focus my attention and live my life, manage my feelings, will be the energy she experiences and what will ultimately influence her decision whether or not to be with me. Actually I have learned how to tune into other lovers but never in a good way. It is sweet to constantly caress ______ and make love to her all day long. This is so easy and so right. This is what waking up is all about, Not ________, but love, and being alive in the world, opening myself to all of life, everyone and every moment, living life as one ongoing “Yes” to all that comes, as my spontaneous gift to life, to god and to my friends and lovers, always.

Today

There is a shift in my life, so much for the better. I was very sick last week, a healing crisis of sorts. I am still processing so much information. It’s amazing how out of it I have been, how self obsessed and deluded. It’s very human and not so unique. so I don’t take it personally, I feel like giving myself a break and letting go of my incessant inner dialogue.

Really nice time this weekend in Ashland, saw “ A Comedy of Errors” a wholly unique western production lacking in much of the originals context or flow, but rather entertaining and essentially easy to follow. I enjoyed it along with the opportunity to visit with my sister and friends in town. Some good meals and a relaxing change of scenery went a long way toward improving my mood after the week ill.

I seem to have healed better than I would have ever expected from my last heartbreak. While I held on futily for over a year, it’s been a few months of quiet and I am in acceptance of the consequences of my actions and others choices. I feel so humble, so grateful for the lessons I have learned with my loves of the past years. While I am a bit anxious I am also optimistic about the future and my capacity to be present with others and myself. I feel so lucky and grateful to have the friends I do, and the support I need.

I feel a bit more awake than I have been in a year or two. It is sweet and I am so happy that I’m simply amazed at my capacity for pain. . . I feel love and hope like I have not in years. While the present brings many challenges and questions, at least I am present for my life, and grateful for it, in awe and wonder at the beauty that is here, now.

musing

My inability to heal the world is made manifest in my failure to fully heal and transform myself, which is essentially an action of the ego. The fundamental denial of trust that all is happening perfectly is the action that is the birth of egoic activity. That all that is lacking in any moment is our surrender to life and act within our fullness of individuality and unique expression of god. When I abuse myself or fall into anger and blaming, hurt feelings or frustration. So much of my own pain comes from a deep sense of unworthiness and shame.

What little I know, what conflicting accounts exist of ego’s Children: purpose, goals, meaning and values, beliefs and desires, are but life preservers on the underlying sea of emptiness, the chaos of unknowable vastness which any consciousness is less than the vibration of a super string, of the blip of a micro-universe existing in it ‘s own dimensions and then collapsing, as it had never been. The physicists argument, is information lost or retained is the existential question of consciousness, call it awareness that which is central to life’s expression in matter.

I am challenged and comforted by the words of Stuart Wilde:

Are you struggling to fix the world?
if so, why?
It’s a bit of an ego trip
When people think they can fix things.
If you can see the world as an infinite evolution
-the way god would see it-
you would know that it’s more or less perfect
and does not need fixing.
It’s only when we view the world within the finite context
of our emotions and ego
that it looks less than perfect.

I want to do the spiritual by-pass of simply posing the question “who is it?” that feels these feelings?” And when I feel re-assured by the answer of emptiness, I fall awake to some degree of reasonable functioning and affable persona to interface in consensual reality. Yet there is a danger of a moral superiority and the reek of the ego to this if not lived fully, it can easily become a bypass to actually resolving the underlying trauma which keeps energy bound in recurring patterns. Yet there is no resolution beyond surrender: all else becomes compassionate suffering within the cause of the world, In the final surrender there is letting go of the need to change the world, the moment, fight with reality. This does not deny or contradict the ability or rightness to enjoy our lives as much as possible. It is a matter of getting out of the way so the awareness that is present is allowed the space and the attention needed to let go of my egoic suffering..

Letter from life to love

I am writing to look, I wonder at my total surrender to this.
I wonder how you feel when I say, “ I love You” I wonder what I mean to you,
and you to me, in this and every forward moment.
You or we talked and asked of intention or agenda,
i was unprepared for the depth, even in an hour, I failed.
The following are somethings i wish to share and some release,
have I done my best to be honest? something closer, maybe, you tell me. . .

I hold you in my heart in a romantic way, now this way is a very strong vassana, or karmic habit, that involves the combination of energetic, emotional habits of functioning along with an unconscious emotional belief that you make me happy, and therefore have the power to withhold happiness. With your absence, anger or “bitcheness” (?) This is a weak and typical romantic pattern in the world where we opt out of owning our power and the clear seeing if you are my cause of happiness, i will therefore be obliged to be very careful, even manipulative, in how i treat you, because i really, really, want to be happy, and think it has something to do with you.

Another way to hold my (expectations or agenda with you) is sexually, as the primal Shakti (energy) that comes to dance the universe into being, this too very attractive and accurate in your power to manifest and live as well as the primal female power to create in daring and profoundly significant in ways.

Now it means that I hold you as “beloved” or sister or mother or father, son or yes, daughter. . . With an overwhelming sense of compassion and sadness for my own inability to resolves others pain or suffering.

Yet maybe I have no business at all trying to be in a relationship at all. I assure you I can be very, very critical of myself and feel so utterly hopeless and alone. I know at such moments that I can only surrender and pray for release from the hell of personal attachment and suffering of the past, shortchanging myself and the world off all that I have to offer, call a friend, talk about it and move on. That’s what I love about smoking, it somehow was / is an opportunity to shift focus. however pointless and not important enough compared to my parents and heroes. I am at times deeply suicidal, yet I have never actually attempted it.I am struck with karmic cycles of abandonment and fear of myself and of a god. A simple change of focus is both my greatest joy and somehow my greatest challenge.

Again, I love because it is my nature, I am constantly looking outside myself for the validation I can only find within, and ultimately there is none to fulfill or even be fulfilled (what a relief)! . for there is no one too be validated. When I look, I first see pain, then love, then wanting and finally nothing, absence of one to want, one to need or desire. Amidst the void there is love, that some where out in the void, we return here to connect in love, passion, joy and for comfort when the greater awareness of love disappears totally.

At last, where I will stop: I dream or foresee or pray for you as my muse. . . Could you do that? I know you are there, to listen and notice what voice I write from all I have learned, has brought me to this moment ,claiming my intention, my fantasy, to stop here for a dance.

To love you as well as I can, as my best expression of the best there is, somehow to be happy with and without each other. I wish you the joy of happy intentions and memories. I pray that I may be a good man, and you the beauty and love you are, that we may treat each other with love and gentleness, that I may adore you as myself and god, and the world made manifest. Yes, if this is my agenda or fantasy, let me claim this one, to be kind to you, myself, the world.

Amen.

Question

desire to be together w/ another, at peace. Some thing about being a dyad rather than a monad. I think, my desire for god, for oneness, is expressed in relationship. Where one sees the partner as divine, and a gift from the divine, calling us deeper into relationship with god's creation and the mystery and gentleness of life, as well as the beauty and strength of conflict: as the process where we discover the patterns of belief that obscure truth.At times i feel lonely, amidst all the furor of life, all the beauty, there is a movement toward being with a woman who i trust and adore, to care for and be cherished by. to express my love of life to, in every day and moment together, and to notice the times i want to be alone as holy also, and to give everything i want to another, so life is a celebration of abundance.

New Begginings

I'm starting again, to write here, to be public, to watch and report how life moves through me.

Had a great time up at Stewart Springs resort with the kontumblie gathering, what a gift to be able to share time with this family of friends and children, Elders and equals, community s i have never known it before. I am so greatfull to have this life and be able to change what i see does not work, regardless of how long that may take.

Grattitude is my nature, all else is confusion and grasping, i still do it, it's OK.

Version Three

After The Storm



I am alone
but for a dogs love,
Her who I have loved truly
Journeyed with to hell realms
No rejection of the cost
Life within the sanctuary of love
hearts shared abode
filled with a longing
in the beauty of this dawn.
Your grace
leaves the fullness

of love

in my heart



Ward Carleton Williams
6 March 2006 rev may 2008

I wish I had a picture of this

There is a picture in my soul
joyful yet sad, life and love in chaos
The drive for progeny obscures my love
I am lost of all knowing, into mystery

The magic of your scent, and taste, your softness and your sighs

I do not look elswhere for my family

i have seen it with you. Yety to let go

in truth, the pain is greater than the fear

what a relief, to allow this just to be.

a day with a dog, work and friends

I feel deeply happy, as if woken
from a long nightmare,
A prison in my heart
lies in ruins under the spring sky
radiant beams caress my
heart face, body as the world
some goddess/grandmother/maiden
has allowed me to life my dreams,
embrace the infinite joy and love that
surrounds me, and wonder if I’m
hopo manic, bi-polar,
or just wonderfully
naturally,
crazy

Ocular Sinester

I notice I avoid my left eye
I’m shy and im shamed by it
honestly, it’s just the pain I
See there has no end.

What hell am I in
that delivers me to
this door?

And yet joy is my sweetest companion
along with Amaa the white Shepard
I am adrift between heartbreak and drowning in grief
Surrender is such sweet sorrow
Yet life, Life, LIFE is the only thing
worth living for

Just this

I exist to love
Compassion in horror
Seeing far more than
I would wish of my humanity
I am only left with love and longing
And it is the love that I am seeking
Is the love that I am.

And as I find my selfish truth of love
I see that I am not at all alone
we stand here sundered
from our family and our homes

The land was green, and the days were fair
:The irony that they remain so
when such change is in the air

So much I want to say
perhaps best left to lay
I have this love in my soul
I trust is there to stay

Regardless of my longing
in spite of times decay
some deep magic met us
on a fateful day

I sit here typing merrily
in my tears and my free way
At ease al last remembering
the results are still unseen

what choice but to surrender
my burdens, pain and desire
what come of this: I merely god’s will.
And she shows me mercy every day.

And yet Joy

I am wokrking, getiing out
dog sitting and excercising even
the tinest bit
smoking too much
organic ice cream
new dvd player
haunting the libarary
for distraction from the silence at night
sometimes i just cry and wish i was dead
and yet feel somehow, my life is not my own
that i have givin it away, my heart in peices
to everyone I kissed I run from the silence in
house, that eccoes whats benneth every momnets longing
so i must befirend this silence within
that eccoes without

Pathos

It’s really quite ridiculous
Adolescent one might say
evoking smpathetic consolation
at the loss of ground
reluctance to let go
what is at the core
everything I know

داراى احساسات شديد،رقت انگيز،تاثراور،موثر،احساساتى ،حزن اور،سوزناک

The heartberak I feel
seems to be my own

yet perhaps it is my perspecrticve
"I" see from and truely it simply is:

connected
to everything

all are

water

I prayed for peace, I pray for our peoples, I pray and offer water, for peace in my hearIt must be within me, this peace i desire, like a seed, it is now planted, let it become a clear mirrorthat i may reflect in, to see and surrender my anger, as it surfaces, let it evaporate and transmuteby the grace of god. Into god, into love.

Another Miracle

Prayers of gratitude and welcoming

This wedding that is coming

Coyote singing again tonight

Gratitude’s tears, invoking peace.

The tenderness of life

Unfolding.

Gratitude

Gratitude

So big these fleeting moments
Building a drop at a time, like a flood
So large it washes everything away

Leaving only these damp cheeks
And a fullness to the heart

Every moment has led to this:
Love, Friendship, Deep
Appreciation.

Reading “Generation Loss”

Reading “Generation Loss”

Very rare book, someone who has a similar interior dialogue at moments

a weirdly uncomfortable mirror of life, perspective and past. . . .

by Elizabeth Hand

Dance

It seems so unfamiliar,
Releasing my repose
Getting to my feet
And finding some
Awkward rhythm
Long forgotten
Coming back
Again

Requiems

Love found us brought us together

the catalyst creating the mix

We are not alone in separate journeys

This path is holy

We are not alone others; walkand shadows become merged.

Raise the grail up in joy

Sleep safe and wake in peace, Canim

From near and afar,

Many whisper prayers.

On the breeze

Being the Call

I love you in that
I have found love for myself
I know we are connected
it hurts to be apart.

I tell myself, be gentle,
With the feelings that arise
separate and together
The same I realize

anger along with pain
calms, or is enflamed.
love the catlayxt
reacting to our presence in the mix

I learn to be gentle, in tears of desire
I reach for what is joined now
in such sweet manner
as we abide in such, we are not alone
on this vast earth, we’ve many a journey to share.

So we go on into each evening
Knowing that love is there
This path has become quite holy
I know it is my own, yet others walk
and our shadows become one and merge.

Sleep well and wake with joy,
Let the love you are be free.
There is room beside me

in this heart you have rendered dear

this heart so open canim, it remains,

here for you.

New Itinerary

Something different is calling me, out to the beach,
past woodland to the sea I walk amidst those less seen,
gently by chance, through the shadow and light
I come latlely to an appointment offered long ago,
seeking What I turned from, through mischance and pain.

I come harkening to the whisper & cry
away from that deadly voice, I have grown tired.
I’v become nervous here, to life so fresh, an I a little bit shy
Like a mid semester transfer student, scared yet desperate to apply

all I have lived has brought me to this bridge
To cross a divide so wide yet subtlly felt.
I walk leading where I cannot see.

There is a shift here,imense and yet unseen
Fire, water, elemental beings, and those that ask for me.
I return the call & wait for what will be.

Silence V2

I walk amidst the babble, here on lonely streets
Listening to something that’s whispering within
This mighty synaesthesia dogging my every step
With anger /love around me, I’m numb at times to that.

I left on many journeys, knowing none the way,
These routes seem yet familiar, these pathways lined like veins
kneeling beside this empty bed at night;

shame & horror plain to see

Tainted passions, full of grasping, addiction ashamed to live,
your beauty subtly masked now, your anger becomes my pain
I’v delighted in my passions, leaving you despair,
You claimed me first, the horror plain to see

I ran screaming then in fear, running from what is
roundabout toward some healing, and now i
Meet you here. Calm in this empty home
Your present with this pain,

My witched bones have become a strange attractor
Betwixt these two worlds weird
Running will cost my life: suicide id now my bane,
No addiction or alternative, I’m sundered to this fate.

Like a god you are demanding Yet humble in this place,
Twain to have a body, To hold you in my arms,
yet you animate my flesh In ways I adore & abhor
There is nothing for it, I must call you to the door.

Your body subtle air, has thawed trauma’s frozen child
Not separate any longer, I join you in this dance
your presence life itself All I know of love is here.

Sarturday Afternoon

Saturday afternoon


Smoked a little tobacco. I really haven’t smoked much the past few days; I think I might quit today. I had a little of the last cigar I bought-nothing good or important, I realized the will “always be another” and that is the whole problem.

I seem to want to be clean; I certainly don’t want to go through the whole drama of being an active addict and living with constant negative consequences in my life. I may choose to drink a bit with friends on rare occasions, but I see that on a regular basis, I am unable to want to moderate my use, especially alone . I get into trouble so fast, deep patterns come up, and then rationalize the hell out of it.

Really been cleaning the house a lot. Started Thursday with Lia and then Laundry and now with Mark coming over its vacuumed and the kitchen floor is clean. It looks and feels much better! I do love this place and I have been gifted with a project the perfect size for me, of course I had a lot of help with the work and the motivation to get it done.
I might never have finished it without Yelda, or it certainly would not look and feel the
Way it does without her being here and leaving and all the other history of this place is what it is, and it still feels so clean and lovely. I don’t know how that is.


Of course doing all the laundry and buying new sheets and comforters helps, as does the new art and the constant thoughts to finish, detail, clean and cook. The cooking is so big. it so important for me to prepare my own food, especially with the challenge of cooking only for myself, cooking is best when many are eating and helping prepare, the food has so much flavor and energy!

Speaking of energy I am learning to feel the actual differences (frequencies) that then create thoughts and belies which come through my body: I experience the touch of the wanting or the touch of rejection.

Of course I know the sensation of loneliness. It’s higher, in the throat, how it closes up from the back first and then the bottom, no breathing, so sound, only the loneliness there, with you.

The touch of wanting is in the heart, and is sweet in its bitter pain

Rejection moves it down to the gut, where there is shock and surprise that the other could have done this without my permission, and I gave it, and that really hurts.

Then the tears of acceptance, again in the throat, but in the top and the sinuses, as the tears fall and the mouth grimaces in grief, no choice, no choice, only this. Only this.

It is such a miracle that the feelings move and shift, like the winds and the currents. Sometimes stable or recurring patterns, sometimes better, sometimes more challenging.

To have a little perspective is so new, to be able to glimpse the show not as my life, but as a play of the energy of the world, showing up in this body, at this time, with whatever form love takes as it moves through my body, breath by breath.

Writing toward silence

Writing toward silence

I walk amidst the babble
adding to the din
Listening for something
That already speaking here, within

This almighty noise you see
Dogging my wild step
With anger /love around me
I’m numb at times to that.

I go amidst this journey
Knowing none the way,
These routes seem yet familiar
These pathways lined like veins

I’m come kneeling to the bedside
seeking silence deafnly found,
You see silent struck
Admist the Wideme

Dreaming this empty bed at night,
I’m working hard alone
Dreams of shame & horrer,
My thieving plain to see.

Tainted passions full of grasping
Addictions my step of shame
Your beauty subtely masked now,
Your anger I can see.

I’v delighted in my
waking passions,
leaving you despair,
You’ve been calling
many years now
I become tired of the price;

I’v been crying for love lost now
many many years, yet this one claimed me first,
Before I was here a-spied
Long ago we met and sighed
For the coming horror plain to be

I ran screaming then in fear,
Till some strange healing hae preformed
for know i do stand silet, ready to meet you here.

at times i find myself becalmed
alone in this empty home
I feel your presence near me, as i
bear thispain in side.

You returned herer in love, To meet the fear
pain seared in these bones now old
Whitched become a strange attractor
Now your calling from a side
I a feared I'd never know,

I'm so so scared to ride this line alone at times
Betwixt and between the worlds weird with you,
I paid pain in my ignoring you
Suicide my strange exit door addiction my oldest ride
failed my every attempt to beat without you by my side.

Like a god you are demanding
Yet humble in this place,
Twain to have a body,
To hold you in my arms,
you animate this flesh,

your body subtle air,
No more i can sit frozen
this silence last no longer,
I'll join you in this dance,
your presence life itself
all I know of love is there

Neither “Good” nor “Bad”

Now this may be a truly sophomoric load of shit on moral relativism or a pseudo Advita sermon on no me, or a bit of both. I guess I can just hope to leave the roots on my bizarre preppy-hippy-punk-post punk-whatever I am now, older I guess.

There are a few ways to address judgment, because with out the judge, it’s kind of difficult to have the goood or the bad. I can (and do ) on occasionhave such a strong esperience that it seems inhearent with beaury or horror, yet that is different, because from within my heart or memory, those experiences are seared indelible, not with concepts, but in a matrix of kinesthetic emotive memory that has no “vaule” it simply is.

I tend not to remember the “good & bad” times at all, my mind simply edits them out of consiouseness so they can go to work beneath the surface of my life, direct to my soul.
It is all quite confusing because at some level, I just exist between a emotive thought based I and a larger awareness (however nacent) that holds some perspective on the aforementioned show.

Life has become a bit like a theatre presentation, that leaves the stage for audience performance at times, and then, after a suitable peroiod of confusion, returns to some semblance of cohesion and context until the next seaway to the wilds attempt to break through and express itself in my life.

I don’t know if my lack of engagement is a sliver of truth or a facile defense against reality, in order to defend a belief I would have to stand on what is always shifting ground. At times I do feel grief and loss and regret, as well as joy, exuberance and energy. It would be dishonest to deny a preference. Yet shadowy and powerful this drama continues to unfold within my life, and I know that it is with my permission.

So I surrender my judgment, as I feel it’s cost, and try to return to apprehending the moment and myself as it is. Clearly an experience, or life itself unfolding, possibly reflecting a template or destiny that I both fear and adore, for it leaves us all
with only the posibilty of seeing the house and stage, or being blinded by the footlights.

Morning Ride

About three days a week i go on an early
ride, about 5AM, my addrenaline go's off
I tell myself it’s the traffic
yet it’s also the end of a cream cycle
after a few years of watching,
even I can detect a pattern

so there is this panic that arrives, to say good morning !
When I was younger, I would just leap out of bed and
start my day, no caring or understanding that I was
likely to be very reactive and violent with anyone
I crossed paths with, because I was running from myself
I knew that i was very productive, a real morning person

Now ther is an opertunity to meet this anxity, this fear
panic cross fading into loss and pain of being alone and
talk with it. It useally starts with Ohh god, why this?
awnsered by a buddah laugh or Creole Chuckkle,
anything to break the building habit of dramma
Even my iipod and some help from my friends
and these lovely “spiritual” dialogues, reminding me,
that we are all addicted, most of all to our thoughts.

So often I can lull myself back to sleep to awake
perhaps tired, yet gratefull for a few hours more sleep.
another dream cycle perhaps, or two, but mostly the
chance that I don’t have to start and finish my day
in fear and reactivity, that I can be gratefull
even for this.

Coyote is here

Coyote is calling, bringing news of the wild
as I sit smoking a bit high on wine and this day
reading of enlightenment, I feel smug and so sure
that I have attained some truth, Coyote come laughing
reminding me I know nothing but my own delusion

Yet I am so happy to have this guest at my gate
so blessed to welcome this visitor of the night
this day has brought me gifts unimagined from the
morning despar to the evenings bliss. The message is
beyond my understanding, yet I am gratefull to fathom
even its presence.

My challlanges are such great gifts, to listen and
pay attention to all that comes, to all that leaves
and to the wonder that surrounds us all
It is calling, let’s answer as we can
and take joy in the unknown
Laughing with all that cries

True Wealth

My life: A storehouse of love,
I must open the door to breathe
I have been struggling in the dark to long
Only rarely on chance getting out.

Yet I do venture out and return home enriched
Somehow my paths cross the God's friends
who bring more than I could ever imagined
unseen and unsoughtthey continue to grow
giving my life energy, wisdom and strength.

Their being is beautiful, I am fortunate to husband this life.
your love is more precious than gold or sensual pleasure
And let us be honest, you have brought me abundance of both.
like sunlight, two facest simultaneously direct and soothing
bringing light and warming my heart with company

A letter to the wild heart

Be calm with yourself my friend
Let patience guide your hand
Let not passion rule the moment
For it will pass like the storm
and leave behind both wreakage
and wonders unseen before.

If there be passion, let it be gentle
an expression of love and wounds within
Let not our own pain continue the hurt
we have all suffered, forbearance will
yield sweet fruit, even delay may bear
a miracle unimangined

What seems unbearable is when we reseist
Yet in yielding we can grow in compassion
humility and willingness. It only takes a
fragment of hindsight to see, how much
is squandered and lost through anger
and the reflection of hurt in our past.

So let me end returning to love
for that is all we are in the end
Let your friends love render you
defenceless. no matter how rare
or imperfect, it is there always
in the silent pause as we breathe.

The poles of sanity

Is there such a thing, as more or less sane?
It would seem so to the passing world
There are those we smile towards,
And those we move away from
Often not concerned with anything
But appearance and civility
Monstrous actions hide well
Behind a smile & clement façade.

Yet I write toward the inner landscape
With it’s own polarities and direction
Are there fair lands, or only desert made
To bloom wondrous after a rain ending
Drought of many lifetimes?
Are the thoughts and feelings we traverse
familiar ground made strange by the dawn or
Twilight of the day and time?

What is it to have an inner companion
On this journey, as alone we traverse this terrain
Our own souls passage amidst the
Two fold lands, awesome and awful
Grown familiar, and dear
Like our heart; stalwart companion.

A gift from the night

I found a gift last night, I was thinking about my beloved, and found myself saying "I Love you" and knew that i was also speaking to myself.

What grace is offered in the moment that we do not glimpse?

such grattitude for life.

More on Suffering

The belief that my personal unhappiness, was fixed and factual was long held. Of course i know it was a reflection of the pain and suffering that seems at times endemic to this planet and "this" time. It still feels that way often, yet it is unhelpful, to be rooted in this perspective. Once i see the cost of my beliefs, there is a movement not to continue the violence towards others and myself. For it is violence to not accept love, beauty as well. Life is neither "good", nor "bad", it is an experience that is both awesome and awful.

I may need to write more about this, but let me continue on the thread i am meandering on and get back to appreciating without judgment in a bit. I love to write about love, not as a Hollywood sweetness, but as a perhaps energy in a particular form, a god, like Venus (love) and Mars (war) we on earth move between these orbits, often forgetting we are surrounded by space, and when we allow ourselves some space, it is much easier to deal with emotions or reality, for they are (however powerful) only occurring temporarily in vast spaciousness, that is also within us.

I have come to question the validity of "my” feelings, as they tend to loop, and if (or when) I examine them, I see that they (the feelings) are habitual and originate in very early experiences. So what is happening actually is rather than be present, with a situation that is unique and never to be repeated, in fear, or unconscious habit, I contract and lose touch with reality and emotionally fall into a traumatic loop of the past.

It's so bizarre, it's like time travel, and the irony is I'm missing out on life and there is a deep knowing that life is pointless, if not lived now. So this desperation or seeing that I’m not present can reinforce the hopelessness in the moment.

The real miracle or wonder in life is as soon as i accept whatever is going on (even me not being present, or "looping") I seem to have access to the present which is (not to be overly cliché) truly a present or a gift. For I am surrounded by beauty and love and horror and destruction, yet i am not starving, or being tortured (except at times by the past) and I have been given the key, and i have been encouraged to walk out of the cell of my beliefs, into freedom of not knowing.

I love Leonard Cohen; he speaks of this so eloquently. "I don't trust my feelings, feelings come and go". He also speaks of how the inherent flaw "crack" in everything in the physical world is where "light" or god comes in.

There is a wondrous moment when you might glimpse your beloved as less than perfect, and we are gifted with true sight and our fantasy, or idealization fails. And if we are lucky, blessed, or truly reckless you say yes.

Yes to Love, and the reality of humanity, and all of a sudden, your heart is sundered open for there is no going back in love, only forward into what is to be.We have no choice, if we truly love, for love cares not for us, it only cares for its inevitable movement forward into life, into to what is, and to be, and again and again, we fall to our knees, saying "yes".

Writings on discomfort

Much of my life I have noticed un or dis-ease in my experience, sometimes subtle, sometimes overwhelming, usually something in-between.

It is clear that this experience of suffering or pain or longing is common to sentient beings. It can be either calming or horrifying to comprehend that suffering is not personal, it is only experienced as personal when we see or experience ourselves as separate from our environment, our species and the global human experience. I argue that the primary movement for most humans is away from direct experience toward a personal sense of “I” that is in pain leads to a collapse of possibility to actually directly experience the discomfort or pain or longing that simply arises in the body, a sensation in experience.

The first step in working with experience is to become aware of it. By awareness I mean the direct experiencing of the sensation without the addition of thought or story, context or reason. This shift from personal “my pain” to awareness of sensation or experience (reality) is necessary for me to have any opportunity to work directly with the energy that is present.

My personal habits of moving away (through thought) or activity is an opportunity to notice that there is an experience or sensation that I reject. This rejection of experience tends to exclude the opportunity for honest self inquiry without personal self judgment.

Much of my personal conditioning or “habits” is to move directly away from the experience of unease, pain longing or even boredom.

I have a long history of believing a story about discomfort. First of all that it is bad and should be avoided, also present is a strong notion that it is somehow a punishment or result of a mistake on my or others part that has led to the experience of suffering. This tenancy to blame, shame or guilt around discomfort or suffering or longing is one the primary obstacles to learning about it and seeing it’s actual nature. Many years of my life I have spent enormous amount of time and thought energy is trying to avoid pain through understanding it or distracting myself from it. My addictive behaviors stem from this intuitive movement away from discomfort.

All I have learned in my life regarding truth or spirituality begins and ends with one simple practice, which is of Surrender or obeisance to what is. If I constantly fight or reject my experience I tend to feed it power and it becomes a formidable opponent of my own making, which eliminates the opportunity for insight and peace.

Through grace, luck or the love of god and friends that care for me I am finding a new opportunity to sit with (briefly) or inquire into the experience of (primarily) emotional or mental suffering (neurosis). At this time I will not write about meditation or even the importance of prayer in preparing the ground of experience for this type of insight.

I write mealy to express gratitude and wonder that in discrete moments, I can find that the pain or disease I experience is actually a doorway into love and grace and perhaps peace.

I want to argue that this is not a novel or unique seeing or concept, it is merely the ground of great love and gratitude and wonder that fills my life as I find myself less separated from the objects of my love, and the community of people that care for me , and I for them. As my gratitude grows and is shared, I experience the unsurpassed joy of connection to life, love and the hearts of everyone I have touched or touched me. I am so grateful that I have been granted such a glimpse of what seems to be succor or redemption for myself and the longing that for so long has seemed to torment me, finally bringing me to the ecstasy of love and connection, gratitude and tenderness that I have been given to consistently all my life.

Thank you all.

Finally i want to admit that this is still very new and not consistent. I believe that we all know this subtle shift of grace or awareness that allows us to be "happy" and to life our lives lightly and freely sharing the love that we are. I'm just writing to share my progress, and urge the rest of you bodhisattvas on, your love makes all the difference!



"when I know that i am nothing this is wisdom, and when i know that i am everything this is love, and between the two my life flows"

Journeys End

All my treasure i have discovered in my heart.

Everything I sought outward in life

I come to find unexpected, or sought; here

Truly journeys end is in this return

From what we left, again & again

Thousands of times, and the surprising

Wonder of finding ourselves, home again

No matter, no matter

Where we lie.

Jill, Jacke & Ward in the Mask

Ted Falconie (flipper) & Jill Hoffman (target VIdeo) @ gety

Target @ Gety opening

Drempt of Rain

Last night i drempt of rain in the night.

I was driving in my car, it was dark

and while not alone, i do not recall my company.

floods were washing out the roads and bridges

debris and water making it more a boating expedition

Arguing with the dealer over the price of a cat

I awoke early in the dark fog, anxious yet knowing

It was time to get up.

After Valentine

All philosophies fail

Subsiding into that from which they arose

Why struggle to change when everything is

not so random quotes

And since I never have enough of pleasure,

Honey on the razor's edge,

How could I have enough of merit,

Fruits of which are happiness and peace

Shantideva,

If temporary pleasure is all you want, you might as well take drugs.

H.H. the Dalai Lama

The happiness that comes from abandoning desire is more intense

than the one that is based on desire.

Puchungwa, trans. by Heidi Koppl