Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Living in America


 

It's difficult to express

Or even acknowledge

Everything that's really

 

Going Down,

All the brothers and sisters

Doing hard time,

in the prisons of America

To keep the rest of us free.

 

Going down,

all the children and elderly

Starved and beaten, shot and killed

Collateral damage from the apocalypse

That unfolds in slow motion

 

Going down,

Straight to Hell All our very best,

the bright and courageous

To fight against what is portrayed

as the enemy as it laughs

silence and tumult

 

The warriors, the children of no future

Those killing and killed, to live on in some

Strange silent horror of past trauma

 

Staring into the future

Only they can see

As the storm moves

intimately closer


And we barely even shudder

Amidst their screams. . .

Oscar Wilde


He stares from the bookshelf

Little known, somehow an accusation

Or an invitation, waiting, like god

To spread his legs.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Being Alone



Being alone sucks ass: bigtime.
Being all one is a spiritual high
And I guess I know I’m using
Pretending all the time . . .

These layers of ambiguity
Under, before and within
Joy.


It springs forth, un~detered
when met in loneliness
Hold my own hand.


No longer it’s, but everyone else.
That is my job as a human to reach
Across the gulf of personal suffering,
mingle it gently, violently

raise it too our lips
this bitter cup made sweet
in sanctification, of knowing
if we suffer so must god,

And then, in shock, I know
that for a moment, or too many
to recall, I am loved, and have loved
and that's the only thing that matters.

And in Support of Happiness



 I'm habituated to thinking
myself unhappy.
As if it were an unconscious virtue
Yet thankfully
I'm incorrigibly happy,
despite my grumpy habits,
so carefully nurtured,
from decades of needless judgment

There are these smiles
that erupt from the sky
like clouds
or blue

And  well worn worries, prejudices against
Wealth, power, freedom of choice, especially
Pointless choices that still, somehow, seem
To make us happy.
It's weird

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

In defense of depression

wisdom can be quite destructive without compassion,
we are what appears to leave in ''death"
appears again yet we take it so seriously,

It seems strange to worry so much about
the forms that come and go . . .

While it may be naive or unreasonable to suggest
that people making a living working with or fora
product be rescued from witting about it,
or prominent in the byline.

Treatment professionals, and victims of depression
or other "moral unfortunates, all of us,
when it comes to our sense of happiness,
our unique or shared humanity,
an axe to grind.

I find it depressing to see article after article about drugs being
written without giving space to other alternative treatments. While
most of us read such "news" for entertainment value or to support one
of our particular biases, some people are actually seeking
information. Mentioning that diet and exercise are often as or more
effective treatments for depression than medication, would be
helpful to include in any discussion of major media discussion on the subject.
It begs the question if it is not our "habit of focus" as well as
endocrine system being shifted into another paradigm.

Eye contact, touch, petting a dog, walking, meditation, prayer as well as
pleasant conversation with the checker at Safeway has all been shown
to also raise endorphins, serration, and Oxytocin. Such shifts lead to
a greater sense of well being, perhaps what we strive for is some
connection with life and "community" as we are conditioned to
most positively experience it, the absence of which iwe may label "depression"

Further lacking in a serious inclusive discussion of depression is the
endemic of the use of both substances and drugs: those licit such
as alcohol and tobacco, and also "perscribed medication to theat
depression, unhapiness, anxity, both social and existential.
The widespread use of illicit drugs to treat "depression".

The use social of drugs to further social connection and to
treat many signs of addiction is startling absent in any open
discussion of the topic, if only to broaden the scope of self
medication in response to an imperfect and unequal societal and
cosmological reality. It is common knowledge in some circles that
many people in recovery from addiction at some point realize that
that depression was and is a major impetus to self medicate, and that
some substances were effective treatments for some individuals for up
to decades.

An argument should be made that much criminal persecution
of the depressed exists, for it is unhappiness itself that asks for
attention. And finally so many "addictions" are not "too"
substances, but activities, all giving a rush and having
the ultimate problem of declining efficacy.

Additionally, it behooves us to see if depression might not be a
reasonable response to a world busy with self destruction. While we
kill each other, starve each other and torture each other, all in the
name of ideology (god, profit, etc.) we perhaps ignore that being
depressed is a reasonable and healthy response as part of a world wide
problem called "humanity" driven primarily by the desire for
resources, power and the problem of distribution & overpopulation.
Perhaps depression encourages us to refrain from the root causes of
the problem, consumption, meaningless activity and replication.

I hope it is not outrageously hopeful, idealistic or deluded to
suggest; that while not always effective, another modality for
treatment for depression is acceptance of the situation as it is. The
belief that there is a problem drives the mind to find a solution.
When I accept the moment as it is, occasionally, and perhaps even
somewhat more often of late, it seems, There appears in a discrete
moment, an opportunity to stop, breathe and simply appreciate without
the need or desire to change.

Depression can often be another way of "labeling" relaxation or
stillness. It is the story we tell ourselves and the agendas that
society that society holds for us to "be productive" that color our
experience. When we strip away all stories and rest in what is, there
lies a possibility of peace that stretches beyond the graveyard or
mire of human anguish.



wisdom can be destructive without compassion, we are either
connected or not, what appears to leave in ''death" appears again
yet we take it so seriously, It seems strange to worry so much about
the forms that come and go . . .

While it may be naive or unreasonable to suggest that people making
a living working with or for companies selling a particular type of
product be rescued from witting about it, such connection should
certainly be prominent in the byline. Even treatment professionals
and victims of depression or other "moral unfortunates,
all of us, when it comes to our sense of happiness,
however we may see our unique or shared humanity
have, to use an unfortunate phase, an axe to grind.

I find it depressing to see article after article about drugs being
written without giving space to other alternative treatments. While
most of us read such "news" for entertainment value or to support one
of our particular biases, some people are actually seeking
information. Mentioning that diet and exercise are often as or more
effective treatments for depression than medication, would be
helpful to include in any discussion of major media discussion on the subject.
It begs the question if it is not our "habit of focus" as well as
endocrine system being shifted into another paradigm.

Eye contact, touch, petting a dog, walking, meditation, prayer as well as
pleasant conversation with the checker at Safeway has all been shown
to also raise endorphins, serration, and Oxytocin. Such shifts lead to
a greater sense of well being, perhaps what we strive for is some
connection with life and "community" as we are conditioned to
most positively experience it, the absence of which iwe may label "depression"

Further lacking in a serious inclusive discussion of depression is the
endemic of the use of both substances and drugs: those licit such
as alcohol and tobacco, and also "perscribed medication to theat
depression, unhapiness, anxity, both social and existential.
The widespread use of illicit drugs to treat "depression".

The use social of drugs to further social connection and to
treat many signs of addiction is startling absent in any open
discussion of the topic, if only to broaden the scope of self
medication in response to an imperfect and unequal societal and
cosmological reality. It is common knowledge in some circles that
many people in recovery from addiction at some point realize that
that depression was and is a major impetus to self medicate, and that
some substances were effective treatments for some individuals for up
to decades.

An argument should be made that much criminal persecution
of the depressed exists, for it is unhappiness itself that asks for
attention. And finally so many "addictions" are not "too"
substances, but activities, all giving a rush and having
the ultimate problem of declining efficacy.

Additionally, it behooves us to see if depression might not be a
reasonable response to a world busy with self destruction. While we
kill each other, starve each other and torture each other, all in the
name of ideology (god, profit, etc.) we perhaps ignore that being
depressed is a reasonable and healthy response as part of a world wide
problem called "humanity" driven primarily by the desire for
resources, power and the problem of distribution & overpopulation.
Perhaps depression encourages us to refrain from the root causes of
the problem, consumption, meaningless activity and replication.

I hope it is not outrageously hopeful, idealistic or deluded to
suggest; that while not always effective, another modality for
treatment for depression is acceptance of the situation as it is. The
belief that there is a problem drives the mind to find a solution.
When I accept the moment as it is, occasionally, and perhaps even
somewhat more often of late, it seems, There appears in a discrete
moment, an opportunity to stop, breathe and simply appreciate without
the need or desire to change.

Depression can often be another way of "labeling" relaxation or
stillness. It is the story we tell ourselves and the agendas that
society that society holds for us to "be productive" that color our
experience. When we strip away all stories and rest in what is, there
lies a possibility of peace that stretches beyond the graveyard or
mire of human anguish.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Off topic letters to my CPA

It looks like I'm down over 16K this year. . .  Rather Sobering for a guy who has never "lost" money in business. A good experience personally to "feel" the cost of a decades of both personal and national "borrowing". A profoundly  flawed moral, economic, national, and personal policy. Perhaps this ongoing fiscal and spiritual depression will  allow myself and our fellow Americans an opportunity for humility and enlightenment. The depression may actually undermine personal as well as shared national habitual arrogance and delusions of superiority. I am beginning to understand that being a critic of ones country does not alleviate one's financial and moral responsibility to proactively work for change at all levels of both personal and national government.

Something I apparently i needed to experience as an individual and more importantly, as a citizen of the USA. I no longer benefit from suffering*  the fiscal and moral costs of practicing greed and terror as a basis for our foreign as well as domestic national policy. All the while transnational corporations continue to profit from taxpayer subsidies which in turn continue the media circus of distraction and denial of the limits of global military Empire which benefits the uber rich .01 percent of the world population.

*(in the ancient context of allowing)

Alternatively, may learn from our experience the values of working with each other for positive shard benefits in a world of shard threats and opportunities. To practice peace and compassion, helping those most in need, and being gratefully aware of the incredible luxuries enjoyed by the happy accident of birth or  circumstances of apparently simple or complex: our ancestors wisdom to emigrate or seek better lives in their own families, towns, and communities.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Just This


 

4 am woke a little panicked, alone, scared, and depressed. Aware of how and why I need community. There is not a lot holding my psyche together.  I understand why people use such crutches as drugs or entertainment or belief to hide from the simple reality of being alone as by one-self in life and the world. It's not easy like being in a community or a family is by comparison. We are social animals by and large and being alone is both difficult and painful. I see why my friends have children and family just to avoid the pain and isolation of being by ones self. Being alone requires much gentleness and acceptance in letting things be exactly as they are. Naked reality, I'm alone and that's OK.


A deep breath and perhaps back to sleep. This is enough, I don't need  any more and if I want more, well I can go pursue it, in full awareness of what I'm avoiding, and how, eventually, it will return fro me before or when I die. and how right now, in this grace, just being is enough. Nothing more needed. I can love and bless all, just as it is.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Thoughts on huanintys inhumanity and all it implyies.

-->
I wonder where "my" mental health and "the worlds" meet. . .
In my head and my heart and again, the I feels so vulnerable
I'm raw and burnt. Torn and hurt, mostly by the super critic
The voice that  knows it knows best. And no good, it has to say.

Loving the catastrophe, or seeing it as perfect, is that so hard?
It's letting go of my ideas of good and god and write and wrong?
It's not that simple, it's subtle, to not hate each other or ourselves
Where does god go when we torture? Ourselves? Our family.
Where is god when we  rape, torture, each others children?
All addiction the utterly futile attempt to numb out the self loathing.
Shame, hatred, despair of total confusion.


We teach  our children to kill on other human being on a tv screen.
The irony of the training  "Targets" with accompanying collateral
Damage, again our sisters and children, our own souls,
Reflected in the screen, beamed directly into our brain,
"Heads Up"  display of the Empire.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Year !



 

I don't know, I just don't know. I like to pretend I know, but I don't.

There are all these ideas in my head. Today discipline is somewhat prevalent.

Perhaps "interest" is a better way for my "amerikan" mind to grasp the idea.  

To pursue of devote one's attention to what is attractive, in the deepest, truest sense.

As if my human mind and heart is not fickle and changing, as all is that is in this relative world,

all the time "I " am seeking permanence. "Truth" , final solutions and easy answers that to do not

demand constant surrender, compromise and compassion,

first with myself, and then with everyone else.