somehow I am getting my needs met in amazing and different ways than I ever imagined. I feel that as I relax into this I feel ___________’s heart opening in my chest. I can feel “her” or what I experience as her, here, now in my heart, also my throat all over my body. This is an ecstatic reality to love, that I have never embraced before….. I imagine, or dream into being, I invoke and entreat Aphrodite and Hera, all who look kindly upon us for all their blessings on our communal, expanded sharing inclusive love; this psychic & magical connection that spans space and time. In this way she can be away and I will be just fine, because I am with her. I imagine that I can tune into her, and of course she can and does tune into me.
So this is beautiful, I see that how I hold myself, how I focus my attention and live my life, manage my feelings, will be the energy she experiences and what will ultimately influence her decision whether or not to be with me. Actually I have learned how to tune into other lovers but never in a good way. It is sweet to constantly caress ______ and make love to her all day long. This is so easy and so right. This is what waking up is all about, Not ________, but love, and being alive in the world, opening myself to all of life, everyone and every moment, living life as one ongoing “Yes” to all that comes, as my spontaneous gift to life, to god and to my friends and lovers, always.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Today
There is a shift in my life, so much for the better. I was very sick last week, a healing crisis of sorts. I am still processing so much information. It’s amazing how out of it I have been, how self obsessed and deluded. It’s very human and not so unique. so I don’t take it personally, I feel like giving myself a break and letting go of my incessant inner dialogue.
Really nice time this weekend in Ashland, saw “ A Comedy of Errors” a wholly unique western production lacking in much of the originals context or flow, but rather entertaining and essentially easy to follow. I enjoyed it along with the opportunity to visit with my sister and friends in town. Some good meals and a relaxing change of scenery went a long way toward improving my mood after the week ill.
I seem to have healed better than I would have ever expected from my last heartbreak. While I held on futily for over a year, it’s been a few months of quiet and I am in acceptance of the consequences of my actions and others choices. I feel so humble, so grateful for the lessons I have learned with my loves of the past years. While I am a bit anxious I am also optimistic about the future and my capacity to be present with others and myself. I feel so lucky and grateful to have the friends I do, and the support I need.
I feel a bit more awake than I have been in a year or two. It is sweet and I am so happy that I’m simply amazed at my capacity for pain. . . I feel love and hope like I have not in years. While the present brings many challenges and questions, at least I am present for my life, and grateful for it, in awe and wonder at the beauty that is here, now.
Really nice time this weekend in Ashland, saw “ A Comedy of Errors” a wholly unique western production lacking in much of the originals context or flow, but rather entertaining and essentially easy to follow. I enjoyed it along with the opportunity to visit with my sister and friends in town. Some good meals and a relaxing change of scenery went a long way toward improving my mood after the week ill.
I seem to have healed better than I would have ever expected from my last heartbreak. While I held on futily for over a year, it’s been a few months of quiet and I am in acceptance of the consequences of my actions and others choices. I feel so humble, so grateful for the lessons I have learned with my loves of the past years. While I am a bit anxious I am also optimistic about the future and my capacity to be present with others and myself. I feel so lucky and grateful to have the friends I do, and the support I need.
I feel a bit more awake than I have been in a year or two. It is sweet and I am so happy that I’m simply amazed at my capacity for pain. . . I feel love and hope like I have not in years. While the present brings many challenges and questions, at least I am present for my life, and grateful for it, in awe and wonder at the beauty that is here, now.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
musing
My inability to heal the world is made manifest in my failure to fully heal and transform myself, which is essentially an action of the ego. The fundamental denial of trust that all is happening perfectly is the action that is the birth of egoic activity. That all that is lacking in any moment is our surrender to life and act within our fullness of individuality and unique expression of god. When I abuse myself or fall into anger and blaming, hurt feelings or frustration. So much of my own pain comes from a deep sense of unworthiness and shame.
What little I know, what conflicting accounts exist of ego’s Children: purpose, goals, meaning and values, beliefs and desires, are but life preservers on the underlying sea of emptiness, the chaos of unknowable vastness which any consciousness is less than the vibration of a super string, of the blip of a micro-universe existing in it ‘s own dimensions and then collapsing, as it had never been. The physicists argument, is information lost or retained is the existential question of consciousness, call it awareness that which is central to life’s expression in matter.
I am challenged and comforted by the words of Stuart Wilde:
Are you struggling to fix the world?
if so, why?
It’s a bit of an ego trip
When people think they can fix things.
If you can see the world as an infinite evolution
-the way god would see it-
you would know that it’s more or less perfect
and does not need fixing.
It’s only when we view the world within the finite context
of our emotions and ego
that it looks less than perfect.
I want to do the spiritual by-pass of simply posing the question “who is it?” that feels these feelings?” And when I feel re-assured by the answer of emptiness, I fall awake to some degree of reasonable functioning and affable persona to interface in consensual reality. Yet there is a danger of a moral superiority and the reek of the ego to this if not lived fully, it can easily become a bypass to actually resolving the underlying trauma which keeps energy bound in recurring patterns. Yet there is no resolution beyond surrender: all else becomes compassionate suffering within the cause of the world, In the final surrender there is letting go of the need to change the world, the moment, fight with reality. This does not deny or contradict the ability or rightness to enjoy our lives as much as possible. It is a matter of getting out of the way so the awareness that is present is allowed the space and the attention needed to let go of my egoic suffering..
What little I know, what conflicting accounts exist of ego’s Children: purpose, goals, meaning and values, beliefs and desires, are but life preservers on the underlying sea of emptiness, the chaos of unknowable vastness which any consciousness is less than the vibration of a super string, of the blip of a micro-universe existing in it ‘s own dimensions and then collapsing, as it had never been. The physicists argument, is information lost or retained is the existential question of consciousness, call it awareness that which is central to life’s expression in matter.
I am challenged and comforted by the words of Stuart Wilde:
Are you struggling to fix the world?
if so, why?
It’s a bit of an ego trip
When people think they can fix things.
If you can see the world as an infinite evolution
-the way god would see it-
you would know that it’s more or less perfect
and does not need fixing.
It’s only when we view the world within the finite context
of our emotions and ego
that it looks less than perfect.
I want to do the spiritual by-pass of simply posing the question “who is it?” that feels these feelings?” And when I feel re-assured by the answer of emptiness, I fall awake to some degree of reasonable functioning and affable persona to interface in consensual reality. Yet there is a danger of a moral superiority and the reek of the ego to this if not lived fully, it can easily become a bypass to actually resolving the underlying trauma which keeps energy bound in recurring patterns. Yet there is no resolution beyond surrender: all else becomes compassionate suffering within the cause of the world, In the final surrender there is letting go of the need to change the world, the moment, fight with reality. This does not deny or contradict the ability or rightness to enjoy our lives as much as possible. It is a matter of getting out of the way so the awareness that is present is allowed the space and the attention needed to let go of my egoic suffering..
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Letter from life to love
I am writing to look, I wonder at my total surrender to this.
I wonder how you feel when I say, “ I love You” I wonder what I mean to you,
and you to me, in this and every forward moment.
You or we talked and asked of intention or agenda,
i was unprepared for the depth, even in an hour, I failed.
The following are somethings i wish to share and some release,
have I done my best to be honest? something closer, maybe, you tell me. . .
I hold you in my heart in a romantic way, now this way is a very strong vassana, or karmic habit, that involves the combination of energetic, emotional habits of functioning along with an unconscious emotional belief that you make me happy, and therefore have the power to withhold happiness. With your absence, anger or “bitcheness” (?) This is a weak and typical romantic pattern in the world where we opt out of owning our power and the clear seeing if you are my cause of happiness, i will therefore be obliged to be very careful, even manipulative, in how i treat you, because i really, really, want to be happy, and think it has something to do with you.
Another way to hold my (expectations or agenda with you) is sexually, as the primal Shakti (energy) that comes to dance the universe into being, this too very attractive and accurate in your power to manifest and live as well as the primal female power to create in daring and profoundly significant in ways.
Now it means that I hold you as “beloved” or sister or mother or father, son or yes, daughter. . . With an overwhelming sense of compassion and sadness for my own inability to resolves others pain or suffering.
Yet maybe I have no business at all trying to be in a relationship at all. I assure you I can be very, very critical of myself and feel so utterly hopeless and alone. I know at such moments that I can only surrender and pray for release from the hell of personal attachment and suffering of the past, shortchanging myself and the world off all that I have to offer, call a friend, talk about it and move on. That’s what I love about smoking, it somehow was / is an opportunity to shift focus. however pointless and not important enough compared to my parents and heroes. I am at times deeply suicidal, yet I have never actually attempted it.I am struck with karmic cycles of abandonment and fear of myself and of a god. A simple change of focus is both my greatest joy and somehow my greatest challenge.
Again, I love because it is my nature, I am constantly looking outside myself for the validation I can only find within, and ultimately there is none to fulfill or even be fulfilled (what a relief)! . for there is no one too be validated. When I look, I first see pain, then love, then wanting and finally nothing, absence of one to want, one to need or desire. Amidst the void there is love, that some where out in the void, we return here to connect in love, passion, joy and for comfort when the greater awareness of love disappears totally.
At last, where I will stop: I dream or foresee or pray for you as my muse. . . Could you do that? I know you are there, to listen and notice what voice I write from all I have learned, has brought me to this moment ,claiming my intention, my fantasy, to stop here for a dance.
To love you as well as I can, as my best expression of the best there is, somehow to be happy with and without each other. I wish you the joy of happy intentions and memories. I pray that I may be a good man, and you the beauty and love you are, that we may treat each other with love and gentleness, that I may adore you as myself and god, and the world made manifest. Yes, if this is my agenda or fantasy, let me claim this one, to be kind to you, myself, the world.
Amen.
I wonder how you feel when I say, “ I love You” I wonder what I mean to you,
and you to me, in this and every forward moment.
You or we talked and asked of intention or agenda,
i was unprepared for the depth, even in an hour, I failed.
The following are somethings i wish to share and some release,
have I done my best to be honest? something closer, maybe, you tell me. . .
I hold you in my heart in a romantic way, now this way is a very strong vassana, or karmic habit, that involves the combination of energetic, emotional habits of functioning along with an unconscious emotional belief that you make me happy, and therefore have the power to withhold happiness. With your absence, anger or “bitcheness” (?) This is a weak and typical romantic pattern in the world where we opt out of owning our power and the clear seeing if you are my cause of happiness, i will therefore be obliged to be very careful, even manipulative, in how i treat you, because i really, really, want to be happy, and think it has something to do with you.
Another way to hold my (expectations or agenda with you) is sexually, as the primal Shakti (energy) that comes to dance the universe into being, this too very attractive and accurate in your power to manifest and live as well as the primal female power to create in daring and profoundly significant in ways.
Now it means that I hold you as “beloved” or sister or mother or father, son or yes, daughter. . . With an overwhelming sense of compassion and sadness for my own inability to resolves others pain or suffering.
Yet maybe I have no business at all trying to be in a relationship at all. I assure you I can be very, very critical of myself and feel so utterly hopeless and alone. I know at such moments that I can only surrender and pray for release from the hell of personal attachment and suffering of the past, shortchanging myself and the world off all that I have to offer, call a friend, talk about it and move on. That’s what I love about smoking, it somehow was / is an opportunity to shift focus. however pointless and not important enough compared to my parents and heroes. I am at times deeply suicidal, yet I have never actually attempted it.I am struck with karmic cycles of abandonment and fear of myself and of a god. A simple change of focus is both my greatest joy and somehow my greatest challenge.
Again, I love because it is my nature, I am constantly looking outside myself for the validation I can only find within, and ultimately there is none to fulfill or even be fulfilled (what a relief)! . for there is no one too be validated. When I look, I first see pain, then love, then wanting and finally nothing, absence of one to want, one to need or desire. Amidst the void there is love, that some where out in the void, we return here to connect in love, passion, joy and for comfort when the greater awareness of love disappears totally.
At last, where I will stop: I dream or foresee or pray for you as my muse. . . Could you do that? I know you are there, to listen and notice what voice I write from all I have learned, has brought me to this moment ,claiming my intention, my fantasy, to stop here for a dance.
To love you as well as I can, as my best expression of the best there is, somehow to be happy with and without each other. I wish you the joy of happy intentions and memories. I pray that I may be a good man, and you the beauty and love you are, that we may treat each other with love and gentleness, that I may adore you as myself and god, and the world made manifest. Yes, if this is my agenda or fantasy, let me claim this one, to be kind to you, myself, the world.
Amen.
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