now

So i had my second appt today with Sarah about nutrition, it was cool, but i'm struck at how timely it was for me given my age, health and whole glycemic thing. I am borderline hypoglycemic and my tummy is a bit big. I don't know how much of that is body type and how much is a lack of exercise as i'v really slowed down working the last few years. I guess i have to start doing yoga again, i liked it and it helped my mood, it 's just about change, and i guess hiring Sarah is like having a coach kinda. We did a food history and somehow talked allot about my childhood and i started crying and i didn't want to cry in front of her. I'm confused about it. I feel safer crying when i'm not alone, yet i'v become ashamed about it. Like it's not ok to be sad, or it's somehow inappropriate at any time unless someone just died or something.
I'm actually happier than i'v been in a while. I guess i'm coming out of this depression that has been with me, on and off, all my life.

I'm afraid to lose my best friends and primary coping mechanism. I love that using analgesics takes the edge off the emotional pain that i became habituated too, ( both the pain, and the medication). I'm also getting of anti-depressants and almost all the drinking except maybe a glass of wine twice a week with dinner.

So that's all good. Work is picking up so that is great to not have to worry about. I have allot of free time and i am challenged to learn about food and cooking and implement the changes that i feel are in front of me. I also wonder about the whole African and American and "ward" shamanism. It seems that i am faced with the prospect of "merger" rituals next year, it's weird that i feel so bad and sad about myself and i think that impacts how i treat myself, how difficult is to have hope, and how easy it is to be angery about humanity and how we treat each other and the planet. It just breaks my heart. It has all my life and i feel responsible and sad.I just can see so clearly that it Could be very different, perhaps beautiful, and how being sad about how things could be really ocludes how wonderful "things" (or at least many aspects of my environment and daily experiences) are. how lucky how loved and fortunate i am. . .

Hitting the wall

I hit the wall today with my loving, I wanted to run

Anxiety reared its ugly head, telling me to something’s wrong

I’m so tired of running. I don’t want to anymore.

Still it’s so hard to stay., here, alone in the dark afraid.

Or next to my beloved, to just be quiet and stay.

I don’t know anything else I can do

Except remember all the love that is true.

The love we are, the love we do.

And how all the love comes back to being

There in the dark, for all who need help

even if it’s me.

थिस Sunday

it's good that i have friends that tease me, that give me perspective and truth.

I realize again the power of words, this strong lesson of learning the difference between sex and love is delivered again and again. How to love without desire or drive, impatience or any end. Loving is joy of being myself and sometimes, reveling in mutuality of love together.

Ilearn so much about myself from others who care, their experience of looming depression, the complete and total need to reject that as a path or direction of thought or attention.

I so love what i hold as truth for being validated, again and again by community.

I am happy, It's so weird. I don't know how to relax into simple joy, which is honestly the greatest gift i have to life.

I move to gratitude for all i have, and then i feel compassion and perhaps, a useful guilt, at my lifetime of bourgeois luxury to drive me to do something more than floors, or dwell of my own pain.

It's scary to have hope. I want to help the world. I want to do something better than hide in my home andfeel sorry or sick or struggle with stupid things like addiction, (in all it's forms) or depression when there is a world out there that i could in some small way help. I know that being clean, not driving aggressively, praying and allowing the tears to flow without story or shame, i can live some good into life and the world.

so I'm home watching movies on Google Zeitgeist addendum

I'm looking forward to an upbeat ending : )


Know always, that every small act of compassion and love, that flows from your heart, constantly throughout the day, with everyone you touch. Is a healing action for us all, the wold and the deepest action of one who truly loves god.