I found a gift last night, I was thinking about my beloved, and found myself saying "I Love you" and knew that i was also speaking to myself.
What grace is offered in the moment that we do not glimpse?
such grattitude for life.
Monday, March 31, 2008
More on Suffering
The belief that my personal unhappiness, was fixed and factual was long held. Of course i know it was a reflection of the pain and suffering that seems at times endemic to this planet and "this" time. It still feels that way often, yet it is unhelpful, to be rooted in this perspective. Once i see the cost of my beliefs, there is a movement not to continue the violence towards others and myself. For it is violence to not accept love, beauty as well. Life is neither "good", nor "bad", it is an experience that is both awesome and awful.
I may need to write more about this, but let me continue on the thread i am meandering on and get back to appreciating without judgment in a bit. I love to write about love, not as a Hollywood sweetness, but as a perhaps energy in a particular form, a god, like Venus (love) and Mars (war) we on earth move between these orbits, often forgetting we are surrounded by space, and when we allow ourselves some space, it is much easier to deal with emotions or reality, for they are (however powerful) only occurring temporarily in vast spaciousness, that is also within us.
I have come to question the validity of "my” feelings, as they tend to loop, and if (or when) I examine them, I see that they (the feelings) are habitual and originate in very early experiences. So what is happening actually is rather than be present, with a situation that is unique and never to be repeated, in fear, or unconscious habit, I contract and lose touch with reality and emotionally fall into a traumatic loop of the past.
It's so bizarre, it's like time travel, and the irony is I'm missing out on life and there is a deep knowing that life is pointless, if not lived now. So this desperation or seeing that I’m not present can reinforce the hopelessness in the moment.
The real miracle or wonder in life is as soon as i accept whatever is going on (even me not being present, or "looping") I seem to have access to the present which is (not to be overly cliché) truly a present or a gift. For I am surrounded by beauty and love and horror and destruction, yet i am not starving, or being tortured (except at times by the past) and I have been given the key, and i have been encouraged to walk out of the cell of my beliefs, into freedom of not knowing.
I love Leonard Cohen; he speaks of this so eloquently. "I don't trust my feelings, feelings come and go". He also speaks of how the inherent flaw "crack" in everything in the physical world is where "light" or god comes in.
There is a wondrous moment when you might glimpse your beloved as less than perfect, and we are gifted with true sight and our fantasy, or idealization fails. And if we are lucky, blessed, or truly reckless you say yes.
Yes to Love, and the reality of humanity, and all of a sudden, your heart is sundered open for there is no going back in love, only forward into what is to be.We have no choice, if we truly love, for love cares not for us, it only cares for its inevitable movement forward into life, into to what is, and to be, and again and again, we fall to our knees, saying "yes".
I may need to write more about this, but let me continue on the thread i am meandering on and get back to appreciating without judgment in a bit. I love to write about love, not as a Hollywood sweetness, but as a perhaps energy in a particular form, a god, like Venus (love) and Mars (war) we on earth move between these orbits, often forgetting we are surrounded by space, and when we allow ourselves some space, it is much easier to deal with emotions or reality, for they are (however powerful) only occurring temporarily in vast spaciousness, that is also within us.
I have come to question the validity of "my” feelings, as they tend to loop, and if (or when) I examine them, I see that they (the feelings) are habitual and originate in very early experiences. So what is happening actually is rather than be present, with a situation that is unique and never to be repeated, in fear, or unconscious habit, I contract and lose touch with reality and emotionally fall into a traumatic loop of the past.
It's so bizarre, it's like time travel, and the irony is I'm missing out on life and there is a deep knowing that life is pointless, if not lived now. So this desperation or seeing that I’m not present can reinforce the hopelessness in the moment.
The real miracle or wonder in life is as soon as i accept whatever is going on (even me not being present, or "looping") I seem to have access to the present which is (not to be overly cliché) truly a present or a gift. For I am surrounded by beauty and love and horror and destruction, yet i am not starving, or being tortured (except at times by the past) and I have been given the key, and i have been encouraged to walk out of the cell of my beliefs, into freedom of not knowing.
I love Leonard Cohen; he speaks of this so eloquently. "I don't trust my feelings, feelings come and go". He also speaks of how the inherent flaw "crack" in everything in the physical world is where "light" or god comes in.
There is a wondrous moment when you might glimpse your beloved as less than perfect, and we are gifted with true sight and our fantasy, or idealization fails. And if we are lucky, blessed, or truly reckless you say yes.
Yes to Love, and the reality of humanity, and all of a sudden, your heart is sundered open for there is no going back in love, only forward into what is to be.We have no choice, if we truly love, for love cares not for us, it only cares for its inevitable movement forward into life, into to what is, and to be, and again and again, we fall to our knees, saying "yes".
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Writings on discomfort
Much of my life I have noticed un or dis-ease in my experience, sometimes subtle, sometimes overwhelming, usually something in-between.
It is clear that this experience of suffering or pain or longing is common to sentient beings. It can be either calming or horrifying to comprehend that suffering is not personal, it is only experienced as personal when we see or experience ourselves as separate from our environment, our species and the global human experience. I argue that the primary movement for most humans is away from direct experience toward a personal sense of “I” that is in pain leads to a collapse of possibility to actually directly experience the discomfort or pain or longing that simply arises in the body, a sensation in experience.
The first step in working with experience is to become aware of it. By awareness I mean the direct experiencing of the sensation without the addition of thought or story, context or reason. This shift from personal “my pain” to awareness of sensation or experience (reality) is necessary for me to have any opportunity to work directly with the energy that is present.
My personal habits of moving away (through thought) or activity is an opportunity to notice that there is an experience or sensation that I reject. This rejection of experience tends to exclude the opportunity for honest self inquiry without personal self judgment.
Much of my personal conditioning or “habits” is to move directly away from the experience of unease, pain longing or even boredom.
I have a long history of believing a story about discomfort. First of all that it is bad and should be avoided, also present is a strong notion that it is somehow a punishment or result of a mistake on my or others part that has led to the experience of suffering. This tenancy to blame, shame or guilt around discomfort or suffering or longing is one the primary obstacles to learning about it and seeing it’s actual nature. Many years of my life I have spent enormous amount of time and thought energy is trying to avoid pain through understanding it or distracting myself from it. My addictive behaviors stem from this intuitive movement away from discomfort.
All I have learned in my life regarding truth or spirituality begins and ends with one simple practice, which is of Surrender or obeisance to what is. If I constantly fight or reject my experience I tend to feed it power and it becomes a formidable opponent of my own making, which eliminates the opportunity for insight and peace.
Through grace, luck or the love of god and friends that care for me I am finding a new opportunity to sit with (briefly) or inquire into the experience of (primarily) emotional or mental suffering (neurosis). At this time I will not write about meditation or even the importance of prayer in preparing the ground of experience for this type of insight.
I write mealy to express gratitude and wonder that in discrete moments, I can find that the pain or disease I experience is actually a doorway into love and grace and perhaps peace.
I want to argue that this is not a novel or unique seeing or concept, it is merely the ground of great love and gratitude and wonder that fills my life as I find myself less separated from the objects of my love, and the community of people that care for me , and I for them. As my gratitude grows and is shared, I experience the unsurpassed joy of connection to life, love and the hearts of everyone I have touched or touched me. I am so grateful that I have been granted such a glimpse of what seems to be succor or redemption for myself and the longing that for so long has seemed to torment me, finally bringing me to the ecstasy of love and connection, gratitude and tenderness that I have been given to consistently all my life.
Thank you all.
Finally i want to admit that this is still very new and not consistent. I believe that we all know this subtle shift of grace or awareness that allows us to be "happy" and to life our lives lightly and freely sharing the love that we are. I'm just writing to share my progress, and urge the rest of you bodhisattvas on, your love makes all the difference!
"when I know that i am nothing this is wisdom, and when i know that i am everything this is love, and between the two my life flows"
It is clear that this experience of suffering or pain or longing is common to sentient beings. It can be either calming or horrifying to comprehend that suffering is not personal, it is only experienced as personal when we see or experience ourselves as separate from our environment, our species and the global human experience. I argue that the primary movement for most humans is away from direct experience toward a personal sense of “I” that is in pain leads to a collapse of possibility to actually directly experience the discomfort or pain or longing that simply arises in the body, a sensation in experience.
The first step in working with experience is to become aware of it. By awareness I mean the direct experiencing of the sensation without the addition of thought or story, context or reason. This shift from personal “my pain” to awareness of sensation or experience (reality) is necessary for me to have any opportunity to work directly with the energy that is present.
My personal habits of moving away (through thought) or activity is an opportunity to notice that there is an experience or sensation that I reject. This rejection of experience tends to exclude the opportunity for honest self inquiry without personal self judgment.
Much of my personal conditioning or “habits” is to move directly away from the experience of unease, pain longing or even boredom.
I have a long history of believing a story about discomfort. First of all that it is bad and should be avoided, also present is a strong notion that it is somehow a punishment or result of a mistake on my or others part that has led to the experience of suffering. This tenancy to blame, shame or guilt around discomfort or suffering or longing is one the primary obstacles to learning about it and seeing it’s actual nature. Many years of my life I have spent enormous amount of time and thought energy is trying to avoid pain through understanding it or distracting myself from it. My addictive behaviors stem from this intuitive movement away from discomfort.
All I have learned in my life regarding truth or spirituality begins and ends with one simple practice, which is of Surrender or obeisance to what is. If I constantly fight or reject my experience I tend to feed it power and it becomes a formidable opponent of my own making, which eliminates the opportunity for insight and peace.
Through grace, luck or the love of god and friends that care for me I am finding a new opportunity to sit with (briefly) or inquire into the experience of (primarily) emotional or mental suffering (neurosis). At this time I will not write about meditation or even the importance of prayer in preparing the ground of experience for this type of insight.
I write mealy to express gratitude and wonder that in discrete moments, I can find that the pain or disease I experience is actually a doorway into love and grace and perhaps peace.
I want to argue that this is not a novel or unique seeing or concept, it is merely the ground of great love and gratitude and wonder that fills my life as I find myself less separated from the objects of my love, and the community of people that care for me , and I for them. As my gratitude grows and is shared, I experience the unsurpassed joy of connection to life, love and the hearts of everyone I have touched or touched me. I am so grateful that I have been granted such a glimpse of what seems to be succor or redemption for myself and the longing that for so long has seemed to torment me, finally bringing me to the ecstasy of love and connection, gratitude and tenderness that I have been given to consistently all my life.
Thank you all.
Finally i want to admit that this is still very new and not consistent. I believe that we all know this subtle shift of grace or awareness that allows us to be "happy" and to life our lives lightly and freely sharing the love that we are. I'm just writing to share my progress, and urge the rest of you bodhisattvas on, your love makes all the difference!
"when I know that i am nothing this is wisdom, and when i know that i am everything this is love, and between the two my life flows"
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Journeys End
All my treasure i have discovered in my heart.
Everything I sought outward in life
I come to find unexpected, or sought; here
Truly journeys end is in this return
From what we left, again & again
Thousands of times, and the surprising
Wonder of finding ourselves, home again
No matter, no matter
Where we lie.
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