musing

My inability to heal the world is made manifest in my failure to fully heal and transform myself, which is essentially an action of the ego. The fundamental denial of trust that all is happening perfectly is the action that is the birth of egoic activity. That all that is lacking in any moment is our surrender to life and act within our fullness of individuality and unique expression of god. When I abuse myself or fall into anger and blaming, hurt feelings or frustration. So much of my own pain comes from a deep sense of unworthiness and shame.

What little I know, what conflicting accounts exist of ego’s Children: purpose, goals, meaning and values, beliefs and desires, are but life preservers on the underlying sea of emptiness, the chaos of unknowable vastness which any consciousness is less than the vibration of a super string, of the blip of a micro-universe existing in it ‘s own dimensions and then collapsing, as it had never been. The physicists argument, is information lost or retained is the existential question of consciousness, call it awareness that which is central to life’s expression in matter.

I am challenged and comforted by the words of Stuart Wilde:

Are you struggling to fix the world?
if so, why?
It’s a bit of an ego trip
When people think they can fix things.
If you can see the world as an infinite evolution
-the way god would see it-
you would know that it’s more or less perfect
and does not need fixing.
It’s only when we view the world within the finite context
of our emotions and ego
that it looks less than perfect.

I want to do the spiritual by-pass of simply posing the question “who is it?” that feels these feelings?” And when I feel re-assured by the answer of emptiness, I fall awake to some degree of reasonable functioning and affable persona to interface in consensual reality. Yet there is a danger of a moral superiority and the reek of the ego to this if not lived fully, it can easily become a bypass to actually resolving the underlying trauma which keeps energy bound in recurring patterns. Yet there is no resolution beyond surrender: all else becomes compassionate suffering within the cause of the world, In the final surrender there is letting go of the need to change the world, the moment, fight with reality. This does not deny or contradict the ability or rightness to enjoy our lives as much as possible. It is a matter of getting out of the way so the awareness that is present is allowed the space and the attention needed to let go of my egoic suffering..