Letter from life to love

I am writing to look, I wonder at my total surrender to this.
I wonder how you feel when I say, “ I love You” I wonder what I mean to you,
and you to me, in this and every forward moment.
You or we talked and asked of intention or agenda,
i was unprepared for the depth, even in an hour, I failed.
The following are somethings i wish to share and some release,
have I done my best to be honest? something closer, maybe, you tell me. . .

I hold you in my heart in a romantic way, now this way is a very strong vassana, or karmic habit, that involves the combination of energetic, emotional habits of functioning along with an unconscious emotional belief that you make me happy, and therefore have the power to withhold happiness. With your absence, anger or “bitcheness” (?) This is a weak and typical romantic pattern in the world where we opt out of owning our power and the clear seeing if you are my cause of happiness, i will therefore be obliged to be very careful, even manipulative, in how i treat you, because i really, really, want to be happy, and think it has something to do with you.

Another way to hold my (expectations or agenda with you) is sexually, as the primal Shakti (energy) that comes to dance the universe into being, this too very attractive and accurate in your power to manifest and live as well as the primal female power to create in daring and profoundly significant in ways.

Now it means that I hold you as “beloved” or sister or mother or father, son or yes, daughter. . . With an overwhelming sense of compassion and sadness for my own inability to resolves others pain or suffering.

Yet maybe I have no business at all trying to be in a relationship at all. I assure you I can be very, very critical of myself and feel so utterly hopeless and alone. I know at such moments that I can only surrender and pray for release from the hell of personal attachment and suffering of the past, shortchanging myself and the world off all that I have to offer, call a friend, talk about it and move on. That’s what I love about smoking, it somehow was / is an opportunity to shift focus. however pointless and not important enough compared to my parents and heroes. I am at times deeply suicidal, yet I have never actually attempted it.I am struck with karmic cycles of abandonment and fear of myself and of a god. A simple change of focus is both my greatest joy and somehow my greatest challenge.

Again, I love because it is my nature, I am constantly looking outside myself for the validation I can only find within, and ultimately there is none to fulfill or even be fulfilled (what a relief)! . for there is no one too be validated. When I look, I first see pain, then love, then wanting and finally nothing, absence of one to want, one to need or desire. Amidst the void there is love, that some where out in the void, we return here to connect in love, passion, joy and for comfort when the greater awareness of love disappears totally.

At last, where I will stop: I dream or foresee or pray for you as my muse. . . Could you do that? I know you are there, to listen and notice what voice I write from all I have learned, has brought me to this moment ,claiming my intention, my fantasy, to stop here for a dance.

To love you as well as I can, as my best expression of the best there is, somehow to be happy with and without each other. I wish you the joy of happy intentions and memories. I pray that I may be a good man, and you the beauty and love you are, that we may treat each other with love and gentleness, that I may adore you as myself and god, and the world made manifest. Yes, if this is my agenda or fantasy, let me claim this one, to be kind to you, myself, the world.

Amen.