Sarturday Afternoon

Saturday afternoon


Smoked a little tobacco. I really haven’t smoked much the past few days; I think I might quit today. I had a little of the last cigar I bought-nothing good or important, I realized the will “always be another” and that is the whole problem.

I seem to want to be clean; I certainly don’t want to go through the whole drama of being an active addict and living with constant negative consequences in my life. I may choose to drink a bit with friends on rare occasions, but I see that on a regular basis, I am unable to want to moderate my use, especially alone . I get into trouble so fast, deep patterns come up, and then rationalize the hell out of it.

Really been cleaning the house a lot. Started Thursday with Lia and then Laundry and now with Mark coming over its vacuumed and the kitchen floor is clean. It looks and feels much better! I do love this place and I have been gifted with a project the perfect size for me, of course I had a lot of help with the work and the motivation to get it done.
I might never have finished it without Yelda, or it certainly would not look and feel the
Way it does without her being here and leaving and all the other history of this place is what it is, and it still feels so clean and lovely. I don’t know how that is.


Of course doing all the laundry and buying new sheets and comforters helps, as does the new art and the constant thoughts to finish, detail, clean and cook. The cooking is so big. it so important for me to prepare my own food, especially with the challenge of cooking only for myself, cooking is best when many are eating and helping prepare, the food has so much flavor and energy!

Speaking of energy I am learning to feel the actual differences (frequencies) that then create thoughts and belies which come through my body: I experience the touch of the wanting or the touch of rejection.

Of course I know the sensation of loneliness. It’s higher, in the throat, how it closes up from the back first and then the bottom, no breathing, so sound, only the loneliness there, with you.

The touch of wanting is in the heart, and is sweet in its bitter pain

Rejection moves it down to the gut, where there is shock and surprise that the other could have done this without my permission, and I gave it, and that really hurts.

Then the tears of acceptance, again in the throat, but in the top and the sinuses, as the tears fall and the mouth grimaces in grief, no choice, no choice, only this. Only this.

It is such a miracle that the feelings move and shift, like the winds and the currents. Sometimes stable or recurring patterns, sometimes better, sometimes more challenging.

To have a little perspective is so new, to be able to glimpse the show not as my life, but as a play of the energy of the world, showing up in this body, at this time, with whatever form love takes as it moves through my body, breath by breath.