Neither “Good” nor “Bad”

Now this may be a truly sophomoric load of shit on moral relativism or a pseudo Advita sermon on no me, or a bit of both. I guess I can just hope to leave the roots on my bizarre preppy-hippy-punk-post punk-whatever I am now, older I guess.

There are a few ways to address judgment, because with out the judge, it’s kind of difficult to have the goood or the bad. I can (and do ) on occasionhave such a strong esperience that it seems inhearent with beaury or horror, yet that is different, because from within my heart or memory, those experiences are seared indelible, not with concepts, but in a matrix of kinesthetic emotive memory that has no “vaule” it simply is.

I tend not to remember the “good & bad” times at all, my mind simply edits them out of consiouseness so they can go to work beneath the surface of my life, direct to my soul.
It is all quite confusing because at some level, I just exist between a emotive thought based I and a larger awareness (however nacent) that holds some perspective on the aforementioned show.

Life has become a bit like a theatre presentation, that leaves the stage for audience performance at times, and then, after a suitable peroiod of confusion, returns to some semblance of cohesion and context until the next seaway to the wilds attempt to break through and express itself in my life.

I don’t know if my lack of engagement is a sliver of truth or a facile defense against reality, in order to defend a belief I would have to stand on what is always shifting ground. At times I do feel grief and loss and regret, as well as joy, exuberance and energy. It would be dishonest to deny a preference. Yet shadowy and powerful this drama continues to unfold within my life, and I know that it is with my permission.

So I surrender my judgment, as I feel it’s cost, and try to return to apprehending the moment and myself as it is. Clearly an experience, or life itself unfolding, possibly reflecting a template or destiny that I both fear and adore, for it leaves us all
with only the posibilty of seeing the house and stage, or being blinded by the footlights.