So one day you decide to walk through the fear and embrace your gift.

The curse or the challenge you have failed at every day,
all of your life, except when filled by grace of love
those moments of work or women, nature and silence
that you picked up the pen and wrote, not ness rally out of pain,
or to save your own life, but in expression of the desire to serve.
Telling stories is like telling a lie when your trying to save a life
not even necessarily your own.


Your standing in the middle of the jungle in Guatemala, with some rich tourists that you’d be embarrassed to introduce too your mom. facing some kids with machetes and guns that don’t work, with only the language of fear and life, desperately wanting no one to die, I throw money, throw money, Todd Rundregun echoes through my mind in the middle of the jungle on the way to Tikal, we pay the road tax with grace and urine.



the audiences imagination is at stake. the primary work is to get words onto the screen. To create and express oneself emptiness in a way that engages the collective imagination, the creation and manipulation of memmes to force emotional maturation in the collective human psyche. The failure of the human race is the failures of the Bodhisattvas lack of patience.

It is the writers task to feed the innate craving for goodness in each person, to nurture and protect within the nest of words and images of the story, a warm and secure place for healing for the community.


I can’t help the run-on sentences.

I’m usually referring to the primary subject, yet not always so, read carefully and engage ones own imagination. What you think I mean may point you more clearly too your innate truth than anything this mind body stream may express.

I finally understand why people speak of channeling, that is after all, what the idea of the Muse is, the woman or women who engage and attract the masculine creative attention,
some how the energy of the purer. Expressed through, or motivated by fear of the Senex, death, disillusion, failure, is a catalyst for life, or egos grasping, at the very least.


So the challenge and opportunity to change the world, by re imaging it, re- creating it is the essence of reversionary history, for what we teach our children and tell ourselves does indeed create the Zeitgeist in which we live, yet a definition of enlightenment is to fully comprehend that human experience of death and suffering for the majority has not changed an iota from time out of mind. it has not changed in the last few generations or 6 as my life and my parents lives, long lived covered. there is great suffering and an joy in every moment, and so in the suffering of the majority is guaranteed and created a god realm to aspire to.

I realize that The reason I like Hienlien and card is that they imagine real heroes. the work to create innate trust and report in the readers mind to live to excess and yet be compassionate saviors of the saga. There is the scene of Araguna before the battle when he comprehends that all those he loves will die on the field of battle fighting each other and this is the deepest metaphor of our communites and familes that we shall ever have.
the onging challenge to bring imagintion, healing and humor to the moment is only balanced through our deed respect for all we cannot know.

There is no recipe for love. No guide to do it four us. Often we have to wait our entire lives for a simple glimpse of joy. I often have waited far to long between glances. Yet all the time, every day we share some compassion with another human, we deepen our own, for ourselfves.

Can i love a politician? How about the human underneath?

Whats it like to care for someone i fear has lost all moral compass

through the nature of the political process, and can i stand the

fear of disapointment, as i imagine a man i respect and can open my heart for.

It's weird, i'm more comfertable loving those i imagine are evil

enjoing the fact they are causing pain to others.

what do i do, when i see myself in that mirror?

Desire, Love & Change

As the American Political rhetoric resounds with strong ideals accompanied by the fear and anger of those holding opposite opinions, my own life is shifting.
I never thought I’d be happy or at peace again, when it's here, i simply love it. Now i am seeing it as a choice, certainly it is an effort, I have been struggling with my inner relationship, and the patterns of which I have become so intimately aware of, that at times i see that i am only joy without them. These patterns are predominately anger and violence as well as the drive for happiness, intoxicating joy and when in pain the seeking of oblivion, all completely commonplace and human.

Which brings me round about to the Passing of Studds Terkal , Praises upon our newest Ancestor!

Now back to the latest circus to entertain Americans, to distract us from ourselves.

Democracy and Obama !

I listened to him for a minute, talking war with McCain, talking bout killing "enemies" terrorists, he made an impression on me, he convinced me he is ready to kill people he’s never met, just because we disagree. Ya,sure, he is the lesser of 2 evils. Which would you pick, Göring or Mengele ? I just have to point out that both McCain & Obama consider violence an acceptable moral option for not just themselves, but an entire country and by extension the human race.

I would like to be proved wrong, I would like to find that Obama actually accepts the teachings of Christ or the Prophet Mohammad. That he can live from the peace that comes with surrender of the ego, of might makes right, and of the whole catastrophe of being "humane" killers.

At some point in evolution of spirit and consciousness, as members of and representative of the human species, and most importantly as children of out mother planet, as representives of the gift of Conciousness, the voice of Awareness, we can choose peace and non-violence as a response to violence and aggression, (what we now call “terrorism”. And finally as we make this choice more and more often for our families, and ourselves, we will eventually ask it from our police, our teachers and our leaders.

I love to embody radical non-violent shift in my psyche, and so the world. I like to live in peace within my heart, and so in the world. I am happiest when I have lost “I” in the act of loving you, so perhaps we can lose or lay down our habits for a moment and simply love one another.

So i will practice letting go of these words of irony, of cynacism and pain.

I live in the joy of knowing what is true will remain.

now

So i had my second appt today with Sarah about nutrition, it was cool, but i'm struck at how timely it was for me given my age, health and whole glycemic thing. I am borderline hypoglycemic and my tummy is a bit big. I don't know how much of that is body type and how much is a lack of exercise as i'v really slowed down working the last few years. I guess i have to start doing yoga again, i liked it and it helped my mood, it 's just about change, and i guess hiring Sarah is like having a coach kinda. We did a food history and somehow talked allot about my childhood and i started crying and i didn't want to cry in front of her. I'm confused about it. I feel safer crying when i'm not alone, yet i'v become ashamed about it. Like it's not ok to be sad, or it's somehow inappropriate at any time unless someone just died or something.
I'm actually happier than i'v been in a while. I guess i'm coming out of this depression that has been with me, on and off, all my life.

I'm afraid to lose my best friends and primary coping mechanism. I love that using analgesics takes the edge off the emotional pain that i became habituated too, ( both the pain, and the medication). I'm also getting of anti-depressants and almost all the drinking except maybe a glass of wine twice a week with dinner.

So that's all good. Work is picking up so that is great to not have to worry about. I have allot of free time and i am challenged to learn about food and cooking and implement the changes that i feel are in front of me. I also wonder about the whole African and American and "ward" shamanism. It seems that i am faced with the prospect of "merger" rituals next year, it's weird that i feel so bad and sad about myself and i think that impacts how i treat myself, how difficult is to have hope, and how easy it is to be angery about humanity and how we treat each other and the planet. It just breaks my heart. It has all my life and i feel responsible and sad.I just can see so clearly that it Could be very different, perhaps beautiful, and how being sad about how things could be really ocludes how wonderful "things" (or at least many aspects of my environment and daily experiences) are. how lucky how loved and fortunate i am. . .

Hitting the wall

I hit the wall today with my loving, I wanted to run

Anxiety reared its ugly head, telling me to something’s wrong

I’m so tired of running. I don’t want to anymore.

Still it’s so hard to stay., here, alone in the dark afraid.

Or next to my beloved, to just be quiet and stay.

I don’t know anything else I can do

Except remember all the love that is true.

The love we are, the love we do.

And how all the love comes back to being

There in the dark, for all who need help

even if it’s me.

थिस Sunday

it's good that i have friends that tease me, that give me perspective and truth.

I realize again the power of words, this strong lesson of learning the difference between sex and love is delivered again and again. How to love without desire or drive, impatience or any end. Loving is joy of being myself and sometimes, reveling in mutuality of love together.

Ilearn so much about myself from others who care, their experience of looming depression, the complete and total need to reject that as a path or direction of thought or attention.

I so love what i hold as truth for being validated, again and again by community.

I am happy, It's so weird. I don't know how to relax into simple joy, which is honestly the greatest gift i have to life.

I move to gratitude for all i have, and then i feel compassion and perhaps, a useful guilt, at my lifetime of bourgeois luxury to drive me to do something more than floors, or dwell of my own pain.

It's scary to have hope. I want to help the world. I want to do something better than hide in my home andfeel sorry or sick or struggle with stupid things like addiction, (in all it's forms) or depression when there is a world out there that i could in some small way help. I know that being clean, not driving aggressively, praying and allowing the tears to flow without story or shame, i can live some good into life and the world.

so I'm home watching movies on Google Zeitgeist addendum

I'm looking forward to an upbeat ending : )


Know always, that every small act of compassion and love, that flows from your heart, constantly throughout the day, with everyone you touch. Is a healing action for us all, the wold and the deepest action of one who truly loves god.

Grattitude

somehow I am getting my needs met in amazing and different ways than I ever imagined. I feel that as I relax into this I feel ___________’s heart opening in my chest. I can feel “her” or what I experience as her, here, now in my heart, also my throat all over my body. This is an ecstatic reality to love, that I have never embraced before….. I imagine, or dream into being, I invoke and entreat Aphrodite and Hera, all who look kindly upon us for all their blessings on our communal, expanded sharing inclusive love; this psychic & magical connection that spans space and time. In this way she can be away and I will be just fine, because I am with her. I imagine that I can tune into her, and of course she can and does tune into me.

So this is beautiful, I see that how I hold myself, how I focus my attention and live my life, manage my feelings, will be the energy she experiences and what will ultimately influence her decision whether or not to be with me. Actually I have learned how to tune into other lovers but never in a good way. It is sweet to constantly caress ______ and make love to her all day long. This is so easy and so right. This is what waking up is all about, Not ________, but love, and being alive in the world, opening myself to all of life, everyone and every moment, living life as one ongoing “Yes” to all that comes, as my spontaneous gift to life, to god and to my friends and lovers, always.