now

So i had my second appt today with Sarah about nutrition, it was cool, but i'm struck at how timely it was for me given my age, health and whole glycemic thing. I am borderline hypoglycemic and my tummy is a bit big. I don't know how much of that is body type and how much is a lack of exercise as i'v really slowed down working the last few years. I guess i have to start doing yoga again, i liked it and it helped my mood, it 's just about change, and i guess hiring Sarah is like having a coach kinda. We did a food history and somehow talked allot about my childhood and i started crying and i didn't want to cry in front of her. I'm confused about it. I feel safer crying when i'm not alone, yet i'v become ashamed about it. Like it's not ok to be sad, or it's somehow inappropriate at any time unless someone just died or something.
I'm actually happier than i'v been in a while. I guess i'm coming out of this depression that has been with me, on and off, all my life.

I'm afraid to lose my best friends and primary coping mechanism. I love that using analgesics takes the edge off the emotional pain that i became habituated too, ( both the pain, and the medication). I'm also getting of anti-depressants and almost all the drinking except maybe a glass of wine twice a week with dinner.

So that's all good. Work is picking up so that is great to not have to worry about. I have allot of free time and i am challenged to learn about food and cooking and implement the changes that i feel are in front of me. I also wonder about the whole African and American and "ward" shamanism. It seems that i am faced with the prospect of "merger" rituals next year, it's weird that i feel so bad and sad about myself and i think that impacts how i treat myself, how difficult is to have hope, and how easy it is to be angery about humanity and how we treat each other and the planet. It just breaks my heart. It has all my life and i feel responsible and sad.I just can see so clearly that it Could be very different, perhaps beautiful, and how being sad about how things could be really ocludes how wonderful "things" (or at least many aspects of my environment and daily experiences) are. how lucky how loved and fortunate i am. . .