In retrospect, fairly clear.

"I" don't know what I am doing, better or worse for myself or the world. I do "think" that the more I throw myself into life, the better it seems and the more I withdraw the worse. I need to remember to eat, to nourish myself both with food and with quiet constantly if peace is what I actually want in my life. I have confused thinking, obsessing and ruminating rather than simply applying the tools of work and surrender to my life and my experience.

The simple act of turning my attention toward "quiet" is all that is necessary for me to enjoy relief from ego or personality which claims to know heaven but only offers me hell. It is the activity of seeking soulutions or meaning elsewhere but through grace that is so painful that I must constantly be medicated still desiring death, not of the body or the grace of life but death of the egoic separation that has come to be synonymous with suffering and hell for this either blessed or cursed man. For I know that I asked for this experience, that all my life "I" have been "seeking" a greater sense of grace or connection with "god" or reality or whatever could possibility relieve a sense of abandonment and separation from that very self same. Or just as likely accepting my actual "purpose".

My greatest mistake or worse habit is to seek validation and confirmation from those unqualified or incapable of providing it. Of course sanity appears to be madness to the mad person and so the madness of consumerism is invisible to those content with the gains and profits of the market place.

It is only those who feel the emptiness of material things and void projected through casual approval based upon material achievements who will seek greater meaning and depth in life. That meaning will only be temporally assuaged through seeking and the company of seekers and praise, something greater eventually must be found to quiet the yearning of the heart for a wholeness that is not found though carnal love or even validation. Only the self can acknowledge the deep needing and the deep fulfillment that the love and company of god brings. There are simply no words or language to point one beyond the simple direction, away from everything that can be known or held, bought or appreciated. That which truly fulfills one is beyond all that both consistently present and always absent as long as we choose to long rather than be fulfilled.

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Progress

I am pleased and happily surprised at how well the combination of medication and meetings, yoga and prayer and action has transformed my life in relatively such a short period of time. While difficult to acknowledge and understand, I cannot control my own recovery process, at the best all I can do is follow directions and get out of my own way. As the slogan states: My best thinking got me into this situation, something radically different is necessary if I want different results or a better future. Repeating the same beliefs and actions will only guarantee that I receive the same miserable results that I have finally become willing to let go of and seek an different, better, more loving and loved way of life. Life is definitely what I make of it, rather than coming with its own intrinsic meaning, and that sentence is both true and false, for while each moment is full and complete in itself the experience of time and continuity is a result of the witness which is constantly creating a dialogue and value judgment of the experience. This "story" is actually less important and far less inclusive than experience and ideally "my" life will become more focused on the former than the latter.

Perspective

It’s difficult sometimes to have any perspective

“My” mind, does not seem to work so clearly anymore

It seems that it has become damaged, along with the planet,

our ecosphere, or spiritual sphere, our love sphere.

Violence becomes the reality of the moment

In so many very painful expressions.

the worst is always to ourselves,

yet as we mature we understand

that we are one and the same.

While we may love peace and unity,

There seems less and less of it in each day.

This is not to devalue it’s truth or beauty,

It become more precious every moment.

The ability to step away from fear and surrender to reality

To accept that what is, is and that peace and love is possible

Even in hell, one can love, one can reach toward the light

And smile, and offer kind words, or expressions, a crust of bread

Amidst a hurricane, tsunami, or volcanic eruption of dis-ease.

Our leaders seem incapable of doing much positive

Except small gestures that we are told to be grateful for.

Corporations and violent oppressive institutions rule western society

Until American dominance finally recedes, to late to be of any use.

I fear the worst, and try to appreciate the best, that is available every moment.

There is beauty love and happiness in my life.

There is clean air and water where i am privileged to live.

There is economic abundance and excess as almost nowhere else.

We are in heaven as the planet slowly begins to shrug us off like a

Dog, going for a long swim, to rid itself of fleas.

This flea is happy to surrender thoughts of “meaning” or grandiosity

Thoughts of responsibility or failure to respond, and accept that

Life is a passing gift to be appreciated while it lasts.

That kindness and compassion are enough.

Gratitude

Thank  you for the prayers

healing intentions, and thoughts,

gentle love flowers within

good morning

I hope that we all have a good, joyful, peace filled, gentle relaxing day. I am working on enjoying this day, being grateful for this life and appreciating it, and my friends, and family and extended community. Through living this life with gentle appreciation and gratitude.

I seek to reach this goal, through being kind toward myself and others. Not believing or running with critical thoughts and focused on remaining relaxed today. While i don't struggle to stay clean i do work hard to be gentle with myself and not "believe or "run" with self critical anxious thoughts about  thoughts, or medication, or situations beyond my immediate control or capacity to shift. I am making a vow to not "run with" hopeless, or fear, or despair, because the world, or my "habits' have not changed overnight.

But that i may appreciate the love I give and receive today and recognize that i am gifted with friends and family that care for or are good with me. That i can drink water and stretch and go back to sleep and enjoy a day off. I'm  using new "breathe easy" strips that do help keep my sinuses clear , a very welcome change, something beautiful and unexpected.  I am happy to find a non drug solution that helps me enjoy my life!

I'm grateful for my friends and teachers and supportive tapes and family. I am grateful for and appreciate my family, dear close and supportive friends.Thank you for the support and attention. May you also be be happy and peaceful amidst this and every day.

Another Sunday Musing

I used too constantly deal with anxiety and depression, more anxiety and self judgment around medication as well as anxiety around aging and being alone and not "dealing with it well" than anything else. I do have prescribed medication that work, that for some reason, I was horrified at being addicted to.

The irony is mind boggling and really far too much for most therapists or doctors to appreciate. That while i see that all thoughts are a form of drug, i worry about medication that is actually prescribed & seems to work and feels OK if not good. And yet for months, i worried about "dependence".

I don't know how much of this has to do with quitting smoking and drinking two and a half months ago, some i imagine, but I can see it's more the "focus" of my attention that causes discomfort, than any particular mental or chemical im/balance. It's clear that when focused on a task, book or person i can be totally happy and well adjusted. Yet when alone and adrift in my own mental stew i am quite miserable and almost at the edge of panic in "my" anxiety. Thankfully i am capable of using the medication to assuage such problems and return to something approaching a "set" or balance point that is comfortable and stable. I also listen to allot of audio tapes and such by Byron Katie, Pemma Chodron and Isaac Shapiro among others. These are far better than drugs and almost or if not on occasion even more effective, yet there is more "to do" or involved, in consciously shifting, or inquiring into the "focus" of "my" attention.

It is especially ironic to grasp at life amidst the depths of depression after a life of casually embracing death and suicidal ideation. This is actually humorous and funny!

It is as if now that i am aging and lonely and depressed beyond words or medication to do more than "help" i find myself so grateful for life and wanting to actually "live" as if i had the vaguest idea of what being alive meant without referencing to some relationship with a woman or sibling or parent, ideology etc. I face the void and often panic and recoil rather than acceptance and peace. I cry both at my humanity and my self judgment, that i cannot truly appreciate the depth of my heroic intent at inquiring deeply into the reality of existence.

I have this funny idea, born of severe attachment disorder, that if i could only be happy alone, with myself, then my life would be complete and i would have no "problems". Yet the fallacy of such ideation is apparent to even me. I am happy and OK with my own company almost all the time. What is difficult for me is unstructured or open space that my ego is adrift in, like a diver with "blue orb syndrome" in which one in open water with no visual reference points becomes disorientated and often swims down rather than to the surface. This experience is actually fairly common for me as my blood sugar drops, it's such a simple thing, to eat and nourish oneself, yet somehow that basic function, once automatic and happening without much conscious thought, now requires significant energy, focus and work. Perhaps some of that "work" is that I don't eat much processed food and that I eat at home and dislike cooking for one. Yes, that just might have something to do with it. . .

I'm reading allot, maybe have 3 or 4 books going right now. One is "In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts ~close encounters with addiction" is particularly disturbing and yet intriguing. As well as my usual fare of fantasy, SF and post apocalyptic fantasies, my life time mainstays. No wonder i'm depressed just look at what i read, And yet, how can I criticize myself for naturally occurring interest? Some of it is inspiring, some distracting and some a little educational and thought provoking.

I cannot read or watch the mainstream news; as it's so toxic and depressing, not to mention the fallacy and duplicity offered as fact. Rarely if ever addressing the primary issues that challenge humanity, inequity, the failure of violence (war, prohibition, arms industries and private armies, prison system, private education and capitalism, as if they were separate institutions, to address or solve our current social problems, and the destruction of the environment. Yet i do watch or listen to some Pacifica radio or TV, like democracy now! and KPFA which i'm happy to support. The local economy has picked up a little (as it teetered on the edge of total destruction), so there is some much appreciated structure, Yet it does really requite a fair amount of high functioning to run a business, so that's both good and challenging.

Such is Life: a gift that we grasp, perhaps more desperately, as it slips through our aging, impotent fingers. How much better to simply relax and open the palm so it may alight for a moment like a wild gift, resonating and resting with us before shifting to the next moment. For what is this tumult and anxiety in a momentary and shortly passing experience but a gift to be appreciated and enjoyed rather than dissected or criticized. Let us enjoy ourselves and so each other and express the love that we are in all that we do.

Dreams of my fathers house

Don't know why I'm writing here, rather than my journal, but to more widely "accept" the message and acknowledge the "party". I'm reading Gabor Mats's book: "In the realm of hungry ghosts"

I just woke from  a crawly-crazy intense wild ancestor drug dream. so wild and intense. I was at my dads last house a cabin on the beach in Waldport on the Oregon coast, overlooking the beach and sea.  Next too a state park and i was there just for a night seeing the changes and sleeping there I realized in some fear, what at first glance appeared to be  "kids" had climbed the fence from the park next door and were having a kegger party in the front yard and asked them to move and the did. . .  but as they went back "over the fence" into the state park, they started playing "catch" or throwing things at each other; weird "stuff" and all these wild mad homeless characters started appearing out of or into their tents and sleeping bags strange wild faces and mad expressions bedding down for the night and i watched amazed and compassionate and somehow no longer afraid at the horror and strangeness and homecoming and weirdness, I'm scared and alone and at home and blessed finally meeting the guests in my fathers house, realizing that while asking them to respect the boundaries, i may regain my semblance of sanity and yet meet and greet my ancestors and fellow humans or members of my psyche. Very healing dream ~ or not, we shall see. . . .