In retrospect, fairly clear.

"I" don't know what I am doing, better or worse for myself or the world. I do "think" that the more I throw myself into life, the better it seems and the more I withdraw the worse. I need to remember to eat, to nourish myself both with food and with quiet constantly if peace is what I actually want in my life. I have confused thinking, obsessing and ruminating rather than simply applying the tools of work and surrender to my life and my experience.

The simple act of turning my attention toward "quiet" is all that is necessary for me to enjoy relief from ego or personality which claims to know heaven but only offers me hell. It is the activity of seeking soulutions or meaning elsewhere but through grace that is so painful that I must constantly be medicated still desiring death, not of the body or the grace of life but death of the egoic separation that has come to be synonymous with suffering and hell for this either blessed or cursed man. For I know that I asked for this experience, that all my life "I" have been "seeking" a greater sense of grace or connection with "god" or reality or whatever could possibility relieve a sense of abandonment and separation from that very self same. Or just as likely accepting my actual "purpose".

My greatest mistake or worse habit is to seek validation and confirmation from those unqualified or incapable of providing it. Of course sanity appears to be madness to the mad person and so the madness of consumerism is invisible to those content with the gains and profits of the market place.

It is only those who feel the emptiness of material things and void projected through casual approval based upon material achievements who will seek greater meaning and depth in life. That meaning will only be temporally assuaged through seeking and the company of seekers and praise, something greater eventually must be found to quiet the yearning of the heart for a wholeness that is not found though carnal love or even validation. Only the self can acknowledge the deep needing and the deep fulfillment that the love and company of god brings. There are simply no words or language to point one beyond the simple direction, away from everything that can be known or held, bought or appreciated. That which truly fulfills one is beyond all that both consistently present and always absent as long as we choose to long rather than be fulfilled.

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