I used too constantly deal with anxiety and depression, more anxiety and self judgment around medication as well as anxiety around aging and being alone and not "dealing with it well" than anything else. I do have prescribed medication that work, that for some reason, I was horrified at being addicted to.
The irony is mind boggling and really far too much for most therapists or doctors to appreciate. That while i see that all thoughts are a form of drug, i worry about medication that is actually prescribed & seems to work and feels OK if not good. And yet for months, i worried about "dependence".
I don't know how much of this has to do with quitting smoking and drinking two and a half months ago, some i imagine, but I can see it's more the "focus" of my attention that causes discomfort, than any particular mental or chemical im/balance. It's clear that when focused on a task, book or person i can be totally happy and well adjusted. Yet when alone and adrift in my own mental stew i am quite miserable and almost at the edge of panic in "my" anxiety. Thankfully i am capable of using the medication to assuage such problems and return to something approaching a "set" or balance point that is comfortable and stable. I also listen to allot of audio tapes and such by Byron Katie, Pemma Chodron and Isaac Shapiro among others. These are far better than drugs and almost or if not on occasion even more effective, yet there is more "to do" or involved, in consciously shifting, or inquiring into the "focus" of "my" attention.
It is especially ironic to grasp at life amidst the depths of depression after a life of casually embracing death and suicidal ideation. This is actually humorous and funny!
It is as if now that i am aging and lonely and depressed beyond words or medication to do more than "help" i find myself so grateful for life and wanting to actually "live" as if i had the vaguest idea of what being alive meant without referencing to some relationship with a woman or sibling or parent, ideology etc. I face the void and often panic and recoil rather than acceptance and peace. I cry both at my humanity and my self judgment, that i cannot truly appreciate the depth of my heroic intent at inquiring deeply into the reality of existence.
I have this funny idea, born of severe attachment disorder, that if i could only be happy alone, with myself, then my life would be complete and i would have no "problems". Yet the fallacy of such ideation is apparent to even me. I am happy and OK with my own company almost all the time. What is difficult for me is unstructured or open space that my ego is adrift in, like a diver with "blue orb syndrome" in which one in open water with no visual reference points becomes disorientated and often swims down rather than to the surface. This experience is actually fairly common for me as my blood sugar drops, it's such a simple thing, to eat and nourish oneself, yet somehow that basic function, once automatic and happening without much conscious thought, now requires significant energy, focus and work. Perhaps some of that "work" is that I don't eat much processed food and that I eat at home and dislike cooking for one. Yes, that just might have something to do with it. . .
I'm reading allot, maybe have 3 or 4 books going right now. One is "In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts ~close encounters with addiction" is particularly disturbing and yet intriguing. As well as my usual fare of fantasy, SF and post apocalyptic fantasies, my life time mainstays. No wonder i'm depressed just look at what i read, And yet, how can I criticize myself for naturally occurring interest? Some of it is inspiring, some distracting and some a little educational and thought provoking.
I cannot read or watch the mainstream news; as it's so toxic and depressing, not to mention the fallacy and duplicity offered as fact. Rarely if ever addressing the primary issues that challenge humanity, inequity, the failure of violence (war, prohibition, arms industries and private armies, prison system, private education and capitalism, as if they were separate institutions, to address or solve our current social problems, and the destruction of the environment. Yet i do watch or listen to some Pacifica radio or TV, like democracy now! and KPFA which i'm happy to support. The local economy has picked up a little (as it teetered on the edge of total destruction), so there is some much appreciated structure, Yet it does really requite a fair amount of high functioning to run a business, so that's both good and challenging.
Such is Life: a gift that we grasp, perhaps more desperately, as it slips through our aging, impotent fingers. How much better to simply relax and open the palm so it may alight for a moment like a wild gift, resonating and resting with us before shifting to the next moment. For what is this tumult and anxiety in a momentary and shortly passing experience but a gift to be appreciated and enjoyed rather than dissected or criticized. Let us enjoy ourselves and so each other and express the love that we are in all that we do.
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