Last night was really painfull in a far less traumatic way than many disillusions have been in the past. So it’s an ending and I feel bad to hurt, and also because I love and enjoy. It is really beyond any of our choices or knowing. It’s funny to feel guilty for loving. Yet how can I apologize or feel bad for what I value most in this, that we call life?
It is clear that my dishonesty did not help. I ask myself? could i have been more honest and direct when I was in Holland and or when I got home, it was not a choice at the time. I was processing and seeing what moved in me, and yet, it’s clear and true, that I knew that desire was present, and again, at that moment I jumped over my “knowing” or voice of consciousness. It is almost like I wish it was not. Like I wish somehow I could be happy and sated with anyone, even as I am not. As if the "I"could ever find satisfaction. This interest in something more than that, in God, or Truth, sharing and living that interest is actually greater than me or anyone. And I see that there is no justification, or explanation or excuse for dishonesty or causing pain. I feel guilt, and also freedom and enjoy the honesty as it is here now.
This is both horrifying and beautiful. Both joy and pain and deliverance from resisting sensation. There is the habit of looking back, thinking there was an opportunity for choice. That there is someone to blame, usually me or someone else, either or, both. The opportunity to stand still is noticed, feel the ground under my feet. Be still. Ask who is needing anything. Ask who is aware of the need. Stop, be quiet. Breathe.
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