Thursday Blues

I'm  depressed with my life, America, and the world. I am disappointed about our starting and escalating two recent wars of aggression (Iraq and Afghanistan)as well as the callus disregard and outright contempt that government officials, specifically elected officials of the executive branch, display towards basic standards of humanity and compassion. Not to mention our constitution (and it's amendments), and the bill of rights which they swore to uphold. Our leaders mirror our lack of compassion and humanity, whatever bitter harvest is reaped from this season of sowing, it will be deserved, if horrific, to all those who must by necessity take part in it. To perhaps finally begin to see how little is left of our "humanity", no greater punishment could be contrived for a people who however misguidedly, honestly desired to help others, without seeing first to the care of their own children, and the care of their souls.

 

Whether it is the treatment of poor homeless or imprisoned drug addicts or Bradley Manning. . . Or injured veterans, not to forget the innocent citizens of the countries that we so callously and unjustly invade.. . . there is only the common thread of inhumane disregard for life, and the purposeful infliction of suffering in the misguided attempt to regain the moral high ground which has been lost to us since the use of nuclear weapons in 1945, if not before that. We live as citizens of a brutal and repressive police state which functions through the use of lies, terror and violence and god help the poor people who become acutely aware of the truth of these statements. I basically despair of anything good ever happening again and await with hope and bitter prayers for a rapid and easy departure from this vale of tears. I just simply wish to leave quietly, so that I don't have to witness any more of this hell that we have turned heaven into. And i know that each day that i live, i suffer and justly so, for i have stood by silently while great evil is being done. "And the band played on". And yet none of what i have said impinges upon or sullies the perfect inherent beauty that surrounds us every day. Until it does not.

Another perspective

Feeling kind of ashamed and guilty, yet not necessarily believing or agreeing with these reoccurring patterns, Knowing that there is nothing that can be done, much less some wrong, that can be righted, I feel broken at times, unable to play with the children in the sun, unable to enjoy god's grace, of course death seems like a solution, for I'm alive enough to know that I'm not quite able to endue or appreciate life in the contributing manner that i might dream of. I am both afraid to die and afraid to even enjoy if it means walking through this miasma of pre conscious trauma that is my karma to face and to ideally, burn.

I can habitually focus on the pain, and the fear, always afraid of the trauma's incipient return, never noticing that it is actually gone and that I am safe and sound in this graceful respite. I want to live in the grace and beauty of the space of the saints, yet stumble upon the threshold to heaven, wondering how to cast off my shoes, that I might enter heaven, forgetting that I am on solid ground.

I must or can return to this moment and to this space accepting and relishing what sensation I can, even if it requires slowing down the input so I am not lost in overload. I am no longer running from an imagined hell. I appreciate the fact that I'm not doing all myself, that I've got some good heart-ed professional help and I understand that I am graced with friends and teachers and community, and most of all the desire to live and grow and be part of the solution. For if even if I cannot embody clearly what I love, I know it is there, and I, like a flower can turn and face the sun, enjoying what I can, with the hope of enjoying more tomorrow.

This sums up my feeling on hearing Isaac speak of his less fortunate students, which I count myself among, as those damaged to some degree, in my capacity to enjoy or manifest fully the grace and beauty I see and experience in Satsang , implicit in life, and the world, in spite of or enduring the damage humans inflict upon each other and the planet. I wish to avoid the reckoning yet realize that I am embodied specifically to witness and experience all that I have and do. While hopefully pointing toward something useful and beautiful for us all.I think perhaps we all struggle to contribute our love to the common good.

Truth, Morality, and Fear

 

The obvious truth: that mortals are immoral is both obvious and painful to many of us. Most of us will spend our entire lives avoiding or embellishing this simple fact. In that light it's understandable why people of all persuasions and beliefs go to such length to keep secrets and gain and exercise violent and oppressive power over one another. The fact that our social, religious and political organizations mirror our personal human actions is of course no real reason for surprise, despair or outrage. All that is required is a realistic acceptance of profoundly human nature, our deep wounds and the tendency for power to corrupt the very best of intentions, our current president is a wonderful example, if you don't want to look within yourself.

 

The recent furor over journalistic publication of international information is the primary reason for the previous paragraph. It is difficult and challenging to accept the level of corruption and dishonesty at work in the world today if we do not look deeply into our own souls to search for our own duplicity, corruption and violence. For it is in my own personal relations with my loved ones, my family and myself that I see my own faults laid bare. How can I honestly fault others for behaving exactly like I have consistently in my own life, whether in relation to myself or others? True the level of degree is vastly different, and I am a harsh judge of myself, but only to underline the profound need for compassion. Yes others have said this far better than I, yet I need to learn to say it, and live it for myself. So that I might live peacefully and joyfully in these days of our lives.

 

How often and consistently have I terrorized my own better motives, dreams and inspirations to follow the routine habits of self oppression, addiction and denial? How often have I beat myself emotionally for having the honesty and interest to look deeper into my own heart than perhaps my partner, parent or therapist might wish? For to be compassionate with ourselves is the first and most important challenge, from that battle or opportunity will all else in life perhaps flow. When we can and do accept and love ourselves as we are, rather as we would have ourselves be, we then can extend this understanding and compassion toward others, and without which we have no chance of true love or relationship with life at all. While this simple truth lies at the basis of all life it is often overlooked in our capacity to reason and think and without which all thinking and reason will be poisoned by deep misrepresentation of the self by the habit of dualistic repression by the mind or ego.

 

So again we are invited to peace, for ourselves, by our deepest self, or god or higher self, call love by any name you may, it answers to love.

In retrospect, fairly clear.

"I" don't know what I am doing, better or worse for myself or the world. I do "think" that the more I throw myself into life, the better it seems and the more I withdraw the worse. I need to remember to eat, to nourish myself both with food and with quiet constantly if peace is what I actually want in my life. I have confused thinking, obsessing and ruminating rather than simply applying the tools of work and surrender to my life and my experience.

The simple act of turning my attention toward "quiet" is all that is necessary for me to enjoy relief from ego or personality which claims to know heaven but only offers me hell. It is the activity of seeking soulutions or meaning elsewhere but through grace that is so painful that I must constantly be medicated still desiring death, not of the body or the grace of life but death of the egoic separation that has come to be synonymous with suffering and hell for this either blessed or cursed man. For I know that I asked for this experience, that all my life "I" have been "seeking" a greater sense of grace or connection with "god" or reality or whatever could possibility relieve a sense of abandonment and separation from that very self same. Or just as likely accepting my actual "purpose".

My greatest mistake or worse habit is to seek validation and confirmation from those unqualified or incapable of providing it. Of course sanity appears to be madness to the mad person and so the madness of consumerism is invisible to those content with the gains and profits of the market place.

It is only those who feel the emptiness of material things and void projected through casual approval based upon material achievements who will seek greater meaning and depth in life. That meaning will only be temporally assuaged through seeking and the company of seekers and praise, something greater eventually must be found to quiet the yearning of the heart for a wholeness that is not found though carnal love or even validation. Only the self can acknowledge the deep needing and the deep fulfillment that the love and company of god brings. There are simply no words or language to point one beyond the simple direction, away from everything that can be known or held, bought or appreciated. That which truly fulfills one is beyond all that both consistently present and always absent as long as we choose to long rather than be fulfilled.

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Progress

I am pleased and happily surprised at how well the combination of medication and meetings, yoga and prayer and action has transformed my life in relatively such a short period of time. While difficult to acknowledge and understand, I cannot control my own recovery process, at the best all I can do is follow directions and get out of my own way. As the slogan states: My best thinking got me into this situation, something radically different is necessary if I want different results or a better future. Repeating the same beliefs and actions will only guarantee that I receive the same miserable results that I have finally become willing to let go of and seek an different, better, more loving and loved way of life. Life is definitely what I make of it, rather than coming with its own intrinsic meaning, and that sentence is both true and false, for while each moment is full and complete in itself the experience of time and continuity is a result of the witness which is constantly creating a dialogue and value judgment of the experience. This "story" is actually less important and far less inclusive than experience and ideally "my" life will become more focused on the former than the latter.

Perspective

It’s difficult sometimes to have any perspective

“My” mind, does not seem to work so clearly anymore

It seems that it has become damaged, along with the planet,

our ecosphere, or spiritual sphere, our love sphere.

Violence becomes the reality of the moment

In so many very painful expressions.

the worst is always to ourselves,

yet as we mature we understand

that we are one and the same.

While we may love peace and unity,

There seems less and less of it in each day.

This is not to devalue it’s truth or beauty,

It become more precious every moment.

The ability to step away from fear and surrender to reality

To accept that what is, is and that peace and love is possible

Even in hell, one can love, one can reach toward the light

And smile, and offer kind words, or expressions, a crust of bread

Amidst a hurricane, tsunami, or volcanic eruption of dis-ease.

Our leaders seem incapable of doing much positive

Except small gestures that we are told to be grateful for.

Corporations and violent oppressive institutions rule western society

Until American dominance finally recedes, to late to be of any use.

I fear the worst, and try to appreciate the best, that is available every moment.

There is beauty love and happiness in my life.

There is clean air and water where i am privileged to live.

There is economic abundance and excess as almost nowhere else.

We are in heaven as the planet slowly begins to shrug us off like a

Dog, going for a long swim, to rid itself of fleas.

This flea is happy to surrender thoughts of “meaning” or grandiosity

Thoughts of responsibility or failure to respond, and accept that

Life is a passing gift to be appreciated while it lasts.

That kindness and compassion are enough.

Gratitude

Thank  you for the prayers

healing intentions, and thoughts,

gentle love flowers within