Another perspective

Feeling kind of ashamed and guilty, yet not necessarily believing or agreeing with these reoccurring patterns, Knowing that there is nothing that can be done, much less some wrong, that can be righted, I feel broken at times, unable to play with the children in the sun, unable to enjoy god's grace, of course death seems like a solution, for I'm alive enough to know that I'm not quite able to endue or appreciate life in the contributing manner that i might dream of. I am both afraid to die and afraid to even enjoy if it means walking through this miasma of pre conscious trauma that is my karma to face and to ideally, burn.

I can habitually focus on the pain, and the fear, always afraid of the trauma's incipient return, never noticing that it is actually gone and that I am safe and sound in this graceful respite. I want to live in the grace and beauty of the space of the saints, yet stumble upon the threshold to heaven, wondering how to cast off my shoes, that I might enter heaven, forgetting that I am on solid ground.

I must or can return to this moment and to this space accepting and relishing what sensation I can, even if it requires slowing down the input so I am not lost in overload. I am no longer running from an imagined hell. I appreciate the fact that I'm not doing all myself, that I've got some good heart-ed professional help and I understand that I am graced with friends and teachers and community, and most of all the desire to live and grow and be part of the solution. For if even if I cannot embody clearly what I love, I know it is there, and I, like a flower can turn and face the sun, enjoying what I can, with the hope of enjoying more tomorrow.

This sums up my feeling on hearing Isaac speak of his less fortunate students, which I count myself among, as those damaged to some degree, in my capacity to enjoy or manifest fully the grace and beauty I see and experience in Satsang , implicit in life, and the world, in spite of or enduring the damage humans inflict upon each other and the planet. I wish to avoid the reckoning yet realize that I am embodied specifically to witness and experience all that I have and do. While hopefully pointing toward something useful and beautiful for us all.I think perhaps we all struggle to contribute our love to the common good.