Just This

 

4 am woke a little panicked, alone, scared, and depressed. Aware of how and why I need community. There is not a lot holding my psyche together.  I understand why people use such crutches as drugs or entertainment or belief to hide from the simple reality of being alone as by one-self in life and the world. It's not easy like being in a community or a family is by comparison. We are social animals by and large and being alone is both difficult and painful. I see why my friends have children and family just to avoid the pain and isolation of being by ones self. Being alone requires much gentleness and acceptance in letting things be exactly as they are. Naked reality, I'm alone and that's OK.

A deep breath and perhaps back to sleep. This is enough, I don't need  any more and if I want more, well I can go pursue it, in full awareness of what I'm avoiding, and how, eventually, it will return fro me before or when I die. and how right now, in this grace, just being is enough. Nothing more needed. I can love and bless all, just as it is.

Thoughts on huanintys inhumanity and all it implyies.

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I wonder where "my" mental health and "the worlds" meet. . .

In my head and my heart and again, the I feels so vulnerable

I'm raw and burnt. Torn and hurt, mostly by the super critic

The voice that  knows it knows best. And no good, it has to say.

Loving the catastrophe, or seeing it as perfect, is that so hard?

It's letting go of my ideas of good and god and write and wrong?

It's not that simple, it's subtle, to not hate each other or ourselves

Where does god go when we torture? Ourselves? Our family.

Where is god when we  rape, torture, each others children?

All addiction the utterly futile attempt to numb out the self loathing.

Shame, hatred, despair of total confusion.

We teach  our children to kill on other human being on a tv screen.

The irony of the training  "Targets" with accompanying collateral

Damage, again our sisters and children, our own souls,

Reflected in the screen, beamed directly into our brain,

"Heads Up"  display of the Empire.

Happy New Year !

 

I don't know, I just don't know. I like to pretend I know, but I don't.

There are all these ideas in my head. Today discipline is somewhat prevalent.

Perhaps "interest" is a better way for my "amerikan" mind to grasp the idea.  

To pursue of devote one's attention to what is attractive, in the deepest, truest sense.

As if my human mind and heart is not fickle and changing, as all is that is in this relative world,

all the time "I " am seeking permanence. "Truth" , final solutions and easy answers that to do not

demand constant surrender, compromise and compassion,

first with myself, and then with everyone else.

H. S. S. art @ my place one night

Weapon

The greatest weapon is Belief

it is the root of all fear and lust

that we might love more perfectly

later.

old writings, old loss

Looking through the drawers of love
I came across this poem for a friend
who OD'd back in '85
I still miss him,and many others

Dennis

why didn't you watch it?
I hate you for dying
Why did you have to leave me here so alone
I miss your happy smile even if your
con was always your own

no longer to party, no longer to share
in my bitterness, i hate that i care.
so easy to mourn you
so hard to let go
I am reluctant to let my pain show.

It was a dark lonely love
alone that we shared
But in our own ways
we knew that we cared

Yet no matter how much i deny it
nothing i feel
will change what is true.

I wait along with the many
for the rising of the few
so i may again
be with you.

I think this is an excellent example of the
both sentimental and perhaps genuine
love we feel for our friends,
and on the impact
of drug abuse,
suicide, and death.

Exploitation of Soul

drugs,
sex,
food
media
being right

eclipsed
by
ideas,
religions
political power
violence
 
Arms'n "defense" industry,
oil, lobbying, legal drugs;
 alcohol, tobacco,
pizza, prozac
computer games

We operate the largest prison
system in the world.
and yet we imagine ourselves free

That people will make reasonable
choices in their long term interest is a far more risky
venture than chancing  their foolishness may
lead to and opportunity for learning.

Recovery is confronting the
addictions that destroy not only family's,
but countries, forests and ice caps.
  the ones we buy through hierarchy

 intoxicants are part of what makes us
not only human, but creative and responsible to heal
necessary for the flu, chicken soup, made with love
there's some of the best drugs of all.

whatever we use
is benign in comparison:
 to the inherent
violence of capitalism:
exploitation
of the Soul