Gratitude

Thank  you for the prayers

healing intentions, and thoughts,

gentle love flowers within

good morning

I hope that we all have a good, joyful, peace filled, gentle relaxing day. I am working on enjoying this day, being grateful for this life and appreciating it, and my friends, and family and extended community. Through living this life with gentle appreciation and gratitude.

I seek to reach this goal, through being kind toward myself and others. Not believing or running with critical thoughts and focused on remaining relaxed today. While i don't struggle to stay clean i do work hard to be gentle with myself and not "believe or "run" with self critical anxious thoughts about  thoughts, or medication, or situations beyond my immediate control or capacity to shift. I am making a vow to not "run with" hopeless, or fear, or despair, because the world, or my "habits' have not changed overnight.

But that i may appreciate the love I give and receive today and recognize that i am gifted with friends and family that care for or are good with me. That i can drink water and stretch and go back to sleep and enjoy a day off. I'm  using new "breathe easy" strips that do help keep my sinuses clear , a very welcome change, something beautiful and unexpected.  I am happy to find a non drug solution that helps me enjoy my life!

I'm grateful for my friends and teachers and supportive tapes and family. I am grateful for and appreciate my family, dear close and supportive friends.Thank you for the support and attention. May you also be be happy and peaceful amidst this and every day.

Another Sunday Musing

I used too constantly deal with anxiety and depression, more anxiety and self judgment around medication as well as anxiety around aging and being alone and not "dealing with it well" than anything else. I do have prescribed medication that work, that for some reason, I was horrified at being addicted to.

The irony is mind boggling and really far too much for most therapists or doctors to appreciate. That while i see that all thoughts are a form of drug, i worry about medication that is actually prescribed & seems to work and feels OK if not good. And yet for months, i worried about "dependence".

I don't know how much of this has to do with quitting smoking and drinking two and a half months ago, some i imagine, but I can see it's more the "focus" of my attention that causes discomfort, than any particular mental or chemical im/balance. It's clear that when focused on a task, book or person i can be totally happy and well adjusted. Yet when alone and adrift in my own mental stew i am quite miserable and almost at the edge of panic in "my" anxiety. Thankfully i am capable of using the medication to assuage such problems and return to something approaching a "set" or balance point that is comfortable and stable. I also listen to allot of audio tapes and such by Byron Katie, Pemma Chodron and Isaac Shapiro among others. These are far better than drugs and almost or if not on occasion even more effective, yet there is more "to do" or involved, in consciously shifting, or inquiring into the "focus" of "my" attention.

It is especially ironic to grasp at life amidst the depths of depression after a life of casually embracing death and suicidal ideation. This is actually humorous and funny!

It is as if now that i am aging and lonely and depressed beyond words or medication to do more than "help" i find myself so grateful for life and wanting to actually "live" as if i had the vaguest idea of what being alive meant without referencing to some relationship with a woman or sibling or parent, ideology etc. I face the void and often panic and recoil rather than acceptance and peace. I cry both at my humanity and my self judgment, that i cannot truly appreciate the depth of my heroic intent at inquiring deeply into the reality of existence.

I have this funny idea, born of severe attachment disorder, that if i could only be happy alone, with myself, then my life would be complete and i would have no "problems". Yet the fallacy of such ideation is apparent to even me. I am happy and OK with my own company almost all the time. What is difficult for me is unstructured or open space that my ego is adrift in, like a diver with "blue orb syndrome" in which one in open water with no visual reference points becomes disorientated and often swims down rather than to the surface. This experience is actually fairly common for me as my blood sugar drops, it's such a simple thing, to eat and nourish oneself, yet somehow that basic function, once automatic and happening without much conscious thought, now requires significant energy, focus and work. Perhaps some of that "work" is that I don't eat much processed food and that I eat at home and dislike cooking for one. Yes, that just might have something to do with it. . .

I'm reading allot, maybe have 3 or 4 books going right now. One is "In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts ~close encounters with addiction" is particularly disturbing and yet intriguing. As well as my usual fare of fantasy, SF and post apocalyptic fantasies, my life time mainstays. No wonder i'm depressed just look at what i read, And yet, how can I criticize myself for naturally occurring interest? Some of it is inspiring, some distracting and some a little educational and thought provoking.

I cannot read or watch the mainstream news; as it's so toxic and depressing, not to mention the fallacy and duplicity offered as fact. Rarely if ever addressing the primary issues that challenge humanity, inequity, the failure of violence (war, prohibition, arms industries and private armies, prison system, private education and capitalism, as if they were separate institutions, to address or solve our current social problems, and the destruction of the environment. Yet i do watch or listen to some Pacifica radio or TV, like democracy now! and KPFA which i'm happy to support. The local economy has picked up a little (as it teetered on the edge of total destruction), so there is some much appreciated structure, Yet it does really requite a fair amount of high functioning to run a business, so that's both good and challenging.

Such is Life: a gift that we grasp, perhaps more desperately, as it slips through our aging, impotent fingers. How much better to simply relax and open the palm so it may alight for a moment like a wild gift, resonating and resting with us before shifting to the next moment. For what is this tumult and anxiety in a momentary and shortly passing experience but a gift to be appreciated and enjoyed rather than dissected or criticized. Let us enjoy ourselves and so each other and express the love that we are in all that we do.

Dreams of my fathers house

Don't know why I'm writing here, rather than my journal, but to more widely "accept" the message and acknowledge the "party". I'm reading Gabor Mats's book: "In the realm of hungry ghosts"

I just woke from  a crawly-crazy intense wild ancestor drug dream. so wild and intense. I was at my dads last house a cabin on the beach in Waldport on the Oregon coast, overlooking the beach and sea.  Next too a state park and i was there just for a night seeing the changes and sleeping there I realized in some fear, what at first glance appeared to be  "kids" had climbed the fence from the park next door and were having a kegger party in the front yard and asked them to move and the did. . .  but as they went back "over the fence" into the state park, they started playing "catch" or throwing things at each other; weird "stuff" and all these wild mad homeless characters started appearing out of or into their tents and sleeping bags strange wild faces and mad expressions bedding down for the night and i watched amazed and compassionate and somehow no longer afraid at the horror and strangeness and homecoming and weirdness, I'm scared and alone and at home and blessed finally meeting the guests in my fathers house, realizing that while asking them to respect the boundaries, i may regain my semblance of sanity and yet meet and greet my ancestors and fellow humans or members of my psyche. Very healing dream ~ or not, we shall see. . . .

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.”

I'm paraphrasing or quoting Helen Keller, who said "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure". It seemed inspiring when I was 29 in need of support for creating drama in my life, fairly new at being clean and totally (as now) incapable of having a cognizant direction in life outside of work, paying bills, writing and entertaining my own madness. As I said to a dear friend recently "I'm not wealthy enough to be eccentric" Today I'm happy to be somewhat balance in awe and horror of life. I look at the world and see that my life is a bowl of cherries compared to the average Joe in China or Somalia, astounded that people would bother to sully their hands, much less risk prison to make 2 grand shipping rifles (AK47s) to that country under UN arms embargo. I think the US and Mexico need to be under an arms embargo, unfortunately the constitution and the dominant corporate powers disagree.

I'm becoming more and more disappointed with Obama, more because of my own understanding of who he is (a successful politician) rather than what he does (lie and kill). It's his job, he applied for it and apparently he got it fair and square. The fact that lying and killing (unjustified murder) is part of the job, is apparently not in and of itself, "Newsworthy" as we are suffering a Truth in reporting & media crisis along with all the "crisis" going on in the world. The fact that the FCC gives licenses for free to huge corporations still somehow does not seem to make it possible to have a decent functioning media reporting honest disturbing news. This being a very rough quote of John Madison said "It is the job of a free press to disseminate divisive ideas and issues from the margins to the center" little did I realize that he meant that literally as free postage and distribution for newspapers was the standard in this country for the first hundred years (when we had a vibrant and meaningful media) and that the us post office was the largest sector of government employment. Nope, no money for it. Pepsi is not advertising during the superbowl, the money is better spent of face book (which burns coal, another reason to un friend face book)

"Offensive and Hateful" is how our U.S. President replies to a person saying "I do not pass judgment, But don't you think the time has come for a fact finding commission" Regarding the events of 9 /11. I think that's pretty wild, I'd say the guy touched a nerve, and I'm glad he did. I don't know why, but when it comes to second rate despots, Ahmadinejad is right up there with Obama as a despot. He's not killing as many people, He does not have as many people in prisons, he's less popular, which is saying something, but he's still capable of pointing out glaring truths or at least raising disturbing questions that the mainstream media and all serious american politicians are afraid of. He likely stole and election, but hey, our own war mongering Presidents are well known to do the same. Iran is an interesting conundrum for the world: for in Iran, we see ourselves, imperfect, ugly and yet not without style, inspiration and guts. The fact that Israel is constantly on the brink of starting nuclear WW3 over Iran having the bomb is classic Jewish angst at reality. I'm fairly certain there are quite a few nuclear weapons in the Middle East and not all of them in Iran or Israel. The fact is Ahmadinejad does not really care about the Palestinians anymore than Obama shows the two have far more in common than they have to argue about. We really need to find a way to get over this little impasse. America is already on the brink of bankruptcy and martial law, the last thing we need is another front in a field of disastrous wars. I could go on but this is more than enough for a Sunday night. And i think the point (one of them) that America and Iran has significant similarity, has been made, however imperfectly, not a bad post for what started out as a personal whine.

Even rest is work if you let yourself write

So maybe I'm not as depressed as I think or imagine myself to be. I got up today on time, after sleeping poorly, because I had a Dr.s appointment and want to maintain my prescriptions for the medications that help make my life manageable. While I criticize myself, and life, for it's addictions ,I'm grateful that these medications are legal and have a minimal (yet significant) side affects on my life. I enjoy being able to moderate my drug use and even manage to quit smoking and drinking when I'm clear on the costs and seeing that i have a choice of how to live these last few or many years of my life. I drift off or "wake up" as happens, take a day or two off work, and come and go, pretty much as I please. What good fortune amidst suffering!

While I don't write much anymore, it's not because I'm not thinking, I'm just not believing my thoughts as much. I'm still angry and depressed at times, or at myself and the world. I take it far to seriously: Convinced that humanity is a blight on the planet when left to it's own devices. We seem to tend toward greed, violence and overpopulation without comprehension of how this makes all our own lives less pleasurable. I'm both frustrated with humanity and totally heartbroken and joyful when I see a child and the love, wonder and beauty that each individual is. . . I wonder if staph cells see each other as beautiful?

It's both an ironic and serious question. Ironic because I realize that it's highly unlikely that staph cells have self awareness and because the same can be said about humans and myself. . . While I like to think of myself as "aware & awake" it's clear that I drift off too sleep with consistent regularity. This is both true figuratively and latterly. I can drift off into puttering around the house quite easily and enjoyably, generally cleaning, throwing stuff away etc. only to find that hours have went by and I've not "accomplished" much or "done anything" with my day.

It's interesting today is a bit overcast and cloudy and I'm likely to not go to work (Its 2 PM) and yet I'm still fairly happy and content.

I don't feel much has changed around our "relationship" only that I have become more and more willing and able to accept it as it is (somewhat shallow and distant) yet satisfying in the appearance and reality of our mutual familiarity and comfort with each other. While I believe she is not deeply "attached" to me, she does display much discomfort and un ease with my personal pain or depression and as such is totally averse to my discussion of suicide or wanting not to "be" here yet either way, I have learned not to express or elocute such feeling directly too, or with, her.

"My" depression or suicidality is gradually declining as I see my own aging happening before my eyes. As my own presence is becoming a clearly transient experience, there is less and less need to end my life prematurely. I trust that I will and can manage to live out my days in some semblance of peace and acceptance and gratitude for the minimal suffering that I actually experience. As I listen and ponder the Buddhist teachings of Chogyam Trungpa and Pemma Chodron I accept and appreciate my life and situation more and more. As well as I see that my own personal "need" for the therapeutic process is less acute than a year or two ago. I'm reluctant to pursue another relationship, at this time. I do have the appointments and will go again this week, but I'm tempted to try to see if switching to every other week or once a month is a realistic option. It's partially the timing and partially the fact that while I'm depressed and semi-suicidal, it is profoundly situational in cause and shape. While I recognize that I'm both more and less likely to commit suicide the need for discussion and help around the issue seems less of an issue. Maybe I don't want to talk about it because I feel like talking about it exacerbates the situation and again, on the other hand talking about it seems to concertize the fantasy and desire from an intangible into a reality.

It's imperative to recognize, both for myself, and for anyone who ever reads these long rambling missives, to know how deeply I love life. How grateful I am for the blue of the sky, the sunlight on the fence, the knowledge that this whole mad wild insane world is out there running around defying death and life, as I sit and ruminate, love and suffer and genuinely appreciate some tiny slice of humanity.

I know that my life is actually very small. That while I have traveled a bit, I have always held back, even in my madness and exuberance, there has been some holding back and some withdrawal from fully engaging in life.

I don't know when I started, If I had to guess, id say when we left Wisconsin, or the year before, when whatever happened is lost to that child that was robbed of something called hope or desire to aspire.

Aspiration has always been difficult for me. Perhaps the last one I truly had was to die or to "fail" and that was when I was 12 or 13. And I guess I did in so many tragic ways. I really started to fail. I got hurt, almost blinded in my left eye, and something changed after that even though I never could say why. Yet even though I knowingly denied whatever grandeur or fame life might have held, I could not destroy the actual joy of love and the gnosis of life.

My life is like that, a long series of wounds and failures compensated by success or grace.

I have been showered with the love of so many beautiful human beings, and I must say that I know that it is love, not the need that is the gift. For too often it is our need and fears that drive, dispose of and destroy our dreams of love from ever reaching fruition.

I don't know what I'm saying, but I trust you know that you have received it.

I just know.

Sunday Musing

As I ponder life, and the world I often am reminded that "I" tend to take things very seriously, and that life is to be enjoyed. Enjoyment is an activity that happens most easily when my focus of attention on my enjoyment is either absolute or non-existent.

 

Anything between the two and my enjoyment is less than absolute. There is a varying degree of dialogue in "my" head about what's going on, a less than total surrender which results in less than total enjoyment.

 

So back to musing on life. A friend sent me one of those silly e-mails about what some people were doing on the morning of 9-11 rather than being at the place of others death.

And it does allow one to wonder at the miracle of life and the reality of death and the simple fact that if one believes in GOD that all of it is good, in my book. What we call evil, the active enjoyment of suffering, is essentially confusion and not something to be taken too seriously.

 

Now this is not to say that we should or could not strive for clarity (i.e. Good) but that the absence of clarity is not "evil" and should not be construed as such, more as the natural state of humanity, the background of life, and so Beauty and Joy arise when we glimpse or experience the absence of confusion and see the beauty and love that constantly surrounds us all, as it is.

 

Death I've been told is less traumatic than many traffic tickets. Supposedly, it's not such a big deal. Of course this makes dying a lot easier, especially if your worried about it, or contributing to your own (smoking, eating poorly, lack of exercise, drug abuse) or others, capitalistic consumerism, war, taxes, violence et al.

 

But back to the story about 9-11. If "god" saved those people who otherwise would have been "there", then all the rest that died, were meant too, and just got a pass out of this world, into the next. . .

 

Maybe I'm missing something profound here, but it seems that faith is like pregnancy, it's all or nothing, you either believe (or know) or you don't. Every sparrow that falls does so with god's love and blessing, or there simply is no god.

 

Yes, I'm aware that some people see God as allowing evil to "teach" us that good is better etc. but that is just a watered down version of what I'm saying. Essentially it's all good, it's all perfect, and it's "our" or my perception of life that is in conflict with reality or "God's will". 

 

So from this place suffering is resisting what is. Whether what is is war and violence or  the publishing of "secrets" on public websites that are then a crime for American to view if they are members of the armed forces. . . The truth is a crime, and the crime we call war is legal. . . It's all a bit overwhelming at times, yet I'm grateful for my life and "my" freedom, that has grown deeper and more profound as I have recognized my blind habits as my greatest jailer and torturer. Perhaps I will not remain so sanguine if I am imprisoned or tortured by others, yet I am inspired and given hope by those souls who have endured such realities only later to gain their freedom and shine more brightly in the world.

 

We need heroes, we need examples of clear thinking and right action. Wherever you find them, who ever they are, I hope the point you to greater peace, love and enjoyment.