Grasping And Aversion

Grasping And Aversion

We all know these actions of the ego,
Which seems so inseparable from the self
Without detachment & awareness.

Pain is at the heart of both in the end
For me.

I slowly come to trust in the path
Beneath my feet

Somehow I find compassion within my heart

Natural Buddha nature, unsought, awakens.

Letting go of judgment, hope, and fear

I practice to abide, gently, in the world
As together, we breathe

Past & Future

I’m so scared to be alone, not in the moment, but in the future. The future scares me. I think it scares us all. I can be calm, here, in the light of the campfire of the now, in the dark I wander lost between the inviolate moonscapes of the past and the twinkling star glimmers shining, bringing me my future in their dying light, long extinguished, far away.

Relating

I can see that when speaking of my anger or disappointment with relationships is very hard for me. Particularly when there is an actual depth of feeling. I seem to be unable to tolerate different opinions or experiences or even explanations.

What I really want at these times is abject submission or apology.

There is a feeling as if I have to be treated as I treated my parents.

All these feeling of shame and hurt come up that I could not express as a child. I instead internalized. I made myself wrong, bad, shameful and perhaps this happened because of some messages I received as a child.

I never guessed that I caused my parents harm. I never imagined that they were capable of feeling hurt. I guess that I always assumed that they were invulnerable and uncaring. I guess that’s how I had to see them in relation to how I felt hurt by them.

Yet at some point after leaving home, I left these feelings of pain somewhere outside of me. Not so far, evidently, because I can see that they come up rather quickly, in any intimate relating with another.

I really liked meeting with K, She seems like a good fit, perhaps better than many I have had in the past. I think I will stick with K, I like her, she is sweet and kind and a bit tough, a good mix for me.

Sunday night. what a painful day. I really miss ____ allot. I miss her and know the relating was a long way from deep at the end, but she soothed me and I miss that. I also love her and I’m quite sad.

I also am so scared, I don’t know what’s going to unfold, sometimes I have hope and optimism and other times I fell so dark and hurt and angry I just want to die and even hurt people I feel have hurt me. I understand my suicidal thoughts are linked to my parents and my anger at and with them for ignoring me and letting me get hurt by others.I also want to continue to keep my focus on my recovery as well as abstinence, for as long and much as possible.

Today

I wonder at my writing here again. Looking for attention or approval?

Can it be something more or less

Reaching out in my humanity for some subtle connection of community or humanity

I don't know why, and i can stop the thinking, for now.

I am grateful for everything, even though it is really just not fighting what is,

gratitude as surrender to this constantly shifting experience.

On moment happy, the next crying, learning to let go of all ideas of "what's right".

This simply is. All the joy and suffering, mine and the worlds.

It is, I am. somehow willing to submit to this now

instead of the violent self hating that is resistance to "this".

I can love what is, if only moment by moment.

as rumi says

Say yes,

Quickly.

A difficult new Year

I don’t know,
I think it’s a new year
For someone, somewhere, perhaps a whole tribe or nation
This mental illness, depression, anger and self-recrimination
I just hurt. I’m tired of it. I miss her. All the time knowing
There were two sides to the pattern, it takes two to dance.
And I miss having my love hate partner, no moon to my sun
I walk the sky and the earth alone, just watching,
Holding my vow of silence to not pursue her.

Writing is a salvation. As well as sitting and crying
Talking to friends, knowing I am not the only one alone
Or sad, grasping at what small beautiful gems of joy
And brilliance I find throughout the day
Now I find myself going to work and the anxiety
And desperation of doing a good job and not
Breaking down in front of strangers
Will fill my day, and I am grateful for this.Next breath

Monday Morning writing practice

Monday Morning 7:30

I awake from dreaming I am coming to you
Not the you of my soul, myself, but my confusion and pain.
I spent the last year there, perhaps lifetimes in chaos
Avoiding the harder work of just being present with myself now.

So I return to this practice of being, each breath, this one.
So many, many thoughts, all embraced, all released
Like all my loves, held too long, never truly met
Wanting some person or idea to take care of me
As if anyone, can offer ground to even themselves.

This joy of pain, this tender surrender to suffering
The destruction of all the past. It has only brought me
To this morning, so full of gratitude for the beauty
Outside my door, within my heart, all the love
I heave received, and given onward, away.

sunday morning

Slept better last night, many dis-jointed dreams
Skating on my sneakers on the city streets (even uphill!) why cops cruise by uninterested
While great rains flooded many neighborhoods as echoes of Katrina resonate. I see cars sliding and SUV’s drowning in great watery pits like strange alien beasts come to play but over their heads just headlights floating to the surface un answered pleas for succor.
Picking up laundry and receiving strange coins in exchange, I wonder at these strange
coins and haggle for some saint’s medal from a strange meditrainan city, I seem to recall
visiting long ago. Seeing old friends and working together the dreams leave me slightly
More connected to my life and sense of self yet also strangely anxious in my solar plexus as I awaken to the silence in the house and the seemingly noisy Sunday morning traffic which is actually so quiet in comparison and energy to the rest of the week.

I did the Body scan meditation from the book, still strangely aware of my solar –plexus. Some shamans consider this area to be the center of personal power, and I guess I have a great deal to learn about that, it’s certainly the most alive area in my body, I don’t know what it means, or how to feed it, yet is actually seems alive and very powerful.

It’s interesting being celibate, I play with it from time to time, yet now, it seems more serious, as if a goal, or an exploration. My personal energy has usually been focused sexually, and this shift towards holding it appears to awaken some unlooked for gift or shift which will take time to investigate and watch unfold.

Thoughts continue to move in habitual patterns that have brought nothing but suffering in the past. I am awake to this yet feel almost groundless in living into a different life.

Very much enjoying Reading the Myth of Freedom and seeing my own spiritual materialism and finding relief in just being here, in this moment, house, body, life.