Relating

I can see that when speaking of my anger or disappointment with relationships is very hard for me. Particularly when there is an actual depth of feeling. I seem to be unable to tolerate different opinions or experiences or even explanations.

What I really want at these times is abject submission or apology.

There is a feeling as if I have to be treated as I treated my parents.

All these feeling of shame and hurt come up that I could not express as a child. I instead internalized. I made myself wrong, bad, shameful and perhaps this happened because of some messages I received as a child.

I never guessed that I caused my parents harm. I never imagined that they were capable of feeling hurt. I guess that I always assumed that they were invulnerable and uncaring. I guess that’s how I had to see them in relation to how I felt hurt by them.

Yet at some point after leaving home, I left these feelings of pain somewhere outside of me. Not so far, evidently, because I can see that they come up rather quickly, in any intimate relating with another.

I really liked meeting with K, She seems like a good fit, perhaps better than many I have had in the past. I think I will stick with K, I like her, she is sweet and kind and a bit tough, a good mix for me.

Sunday night. what a painful day. I really miss ____ allot. I miss her and know the relating was a long way from deep at the end, but she soothed me and I miss that. I also love her and I’m quite sad.

I also am so scared, I don’t know what’s going to unfold, sometimes I have hope and optimism and other times I fell so dark and hurt and angry I just want to die and even hurt people I feel have hurt me. I understand my suicidal thoughts are linked to my parents and my anger at and with them for ignoring me and letting me get hurt by others.I also want to continue to keep my focus on my recovery as well as abstinence, for as long and much as possible.