I
woke a few years ago thinking of a lover as old as myself, "Suzy Creamcheese" a petite and
pretty little brunette who slept and comforted me many days and nights and
introduced me to cocaine and Marin and many things when I was still a teenager
in San Francisco in 1977, and not very adept at getting myself around. She was usually
up for a friendly fuck and I love her now more than ever and miss her. Yet she
remains with all my loves, in my heart for as long after I am gone.
It
is interesting to realize I have more of my life behind me than ahead, this
fact puts some of my current feelings and mood inhabits different
perspectives. I often think that I am alone and miserable, when in reality I’m
adopting a perspective that brings with it much pain and alienation that is
unnecessary.I
may be isolated and morose, but this is a result of my own choices and actions
as much as any objective truth that is fixed and unchanging. I often wonder
what my life is like when I am happy and care-free as opposed to depressed and
unhappy. While my life is full of responsibilities and tasks these are the
results of taking responsibility for my own life rather than ignoring it. While
I would like to find wonderful friends and lovers who give me all I desire, The
fact remains that I am responsible for my perspective and mood. So
often my own anger at myself and “the world” overwhelm my desire and ability to
enjoy and act in a happy and free manner. I have much to think about in this
vein.
I don't know if it's aging
or not feeling like I've met my life goals
It's not that i don't know that you love me, but that
I can never go home, and that's what i need.
Wish me the best you can, try not to hate me.
I hope I'll see you someplace better,
or that i'll be able to appreciate what is.
I can never go home, and that's what i need.
Wish me the best you can, try not to hate me.
I hope I'll see you someplace better,
or that i'll be able to appreciate what is.
I stand in the halls of
sorrow after everyone has gone
Every seduction, hope and
love has died between her doors
I stand in the halls of
emptiness finally all alone. The loves
That might remember me will
fade and soon be gone, even my
Grand Nieces and nephews
will forget my name in time. And
Perhaps some idea spoke to
stranger in passing will make some
Other less pained, then I
have at least attempted my life’s desire
In love and service albeit,
in vain.
2009?
2009?
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