My take on Suffering (continued)

I started out with the perspective of personal unhappiness. Fixed and factual; just a reflection of the pain and suffering that is endemic to this planet especially at this time. It still feels that way at times, yet i can see it is unhelpful to be rooted in this belief or perspective. I choose not to continue the violence towards myself and others. For it is violence to not accept love, beauty and awe as well. Life is (for me) neither good, nor bad, it simply is an experience that is. I may need to write more about this , but let me continue on the thread i am meandering on and get back to appreciating without judgment in a bit. I love to write about love, not as a Hollywood saccharine sweetness, but as a force of the universe, a god, that we are between, Like Venus (love) and Mars (war) we on earth orbit between these tow poles, often forgetting that there is more space than matter in the universe, and we are surrounded by space, and when we allow ourselves some space, it is much easier to deal with emotions or reality, for they are (however powerful) only occurring temporally in vast spaciousness, that is also within us.

I have come to question the validity of "my"feelings, as they tend to loop, and if (or when) i carefully examine them, I see that they (the feelings) are habitual and originate in very early experiences. So what is happening actually is rather than be present, with a situation that is unique and never to be repeated, In fear, or unconscious habit, I contract and lose touch with reality and emotionally fall into a traumatic loop of the past. It's so bizarre actually, It's like time travel, and the irony is I'm missing out on life and so of course there is a deep knowing that life is pointless, if not lived now. So this desperation or seeing that I'm not present can reinforce the hopelessness in the moment.

The real miracle or wonder in life is as soon as i accept whatever is going on (even me not being present, or "looping") I seem to have access to the present which is (not to be overly cliche) truly a present or a gift. For I am surrounded by beauty and love and horror and destruction, yet i am not starving, or being tortured (except at times by the past) and I have been given the key, and i have been encouraged to walk out of the cell of my beliefs, into freedom of not knowing.

I love Leonard Cohen, he speaks of this so eloquently. "I don't trust my feelings, feelings come and go". He also speaks of how the inherent flaw "crack" in everything in the physical world is where "light" or god comes in. There is that moment when you see your beloved as less than perfect and all of a sudden, your heart is sundered open for there is no going back in love, only forward into what is to be.

We have no choice, if we truly love, for love cares not for us, it only cares for its inevitable movement forward into life, into to what is, and to be, and again and again, we fall to our knees, saying "yes".