Old Musing

Traffic reminds me of the sea.

The cry of the gulls,

Reminded of origins

return to visit

the water

piscine movement

and knowing,

the silence of being.

 

 

as you read this,

Could you

Just a little bit,

for no reason

something beautiful

is around you,

that stirs your gratitude

just for fun,

Enjoy

 

Feb 1, 2006 9:58 pm 1732 Views

It is clear that at some level I am almost always looking for love and approval especially from those close to me. As I am looking outside myself for "you" (or another) to give me something I want, (approval, love, etc.) I am compromised in my ability to be honest with you (remember, I'm looking for love here.) I am rather likely to treat you very carefully so I can get what I think I "want". If this is going on in both people unseen, it will be very difficult to sustain the relating in the face of this tension between getting what we want and being honest with ourselves about what we feel and want in that moment atempting to "get". At a very deep level I suggest that no one else can make me happy, at best I can find people who are happy and hang out with them, but if I'm feeding off their happiness it will be a short time until I see that they are not quite making me happy in the way I want. A friend once pointed out that when I say, "I love you" to someone what I am really saying might also be expressed as "I'm happy and I think it has something to do with you". The converse would be "I hate you" to be interpreted as "I'm unhappy and I think it has something to do with you" This is definitely a minority opinion. However it does allow us the opportunity glimpse what is possible with a very small shift of focus, that my happiness in this moment is largely determined by whether or not I am contracted into my sympathetic nervous system or utilizing my capacity to enjoy the moment, which happens when I relax, enjoy, and appreciate the beauty that is. This is difficult if we do not remember that we have been raised and live in a global energetic field contraction of and suffering . . . Ultimately people will be far likelier to relax, love & enjoy when I do, and that relaxation happens when we see that contracting serves us not at all. If we believe that tensing up will help, when will we stop?

 

 

Feb 1, 2006 2:00 pm 1613 Views

This Longing, it Does not stop It changes every moment And returns like the tide Rising, falling, in it's own beautiful music like the moon. Shedding light Revealing beauty As I circle, shedding knowing Longing for the emptiness In that rhythm. 6/03/2005

 

The Shoreline

Jan 30, 2006 4:31 pm 1584 Views

I have always been afraid of the sea As a child I nearly drowned any number of times Not that I have ever stayed away From that luminal space Between the shoreline and the sea Where things appear to chase me, or run away I can either meet or retreat, from my life What is there now, will never be the same And what was then is gone forever Not to hurt or please me again Except through the mirror of memory. We are all there, between the tides rising and falling Letting no one we love leave this shore of being Except to travel away to the dry land of conviction Or deep into surrender. WCW June 7th 2005

 

 

Poem for the ocean	Jan 26, 2006 1:16 pm 1690 Views
I am lost out at sea, far beyond the horizon The shore a distant memory being carried along not even trying to swim, i make feeble movements of surrender and resistance that make absolutely no difference yet bring unsought grace to life

 

 

I am That	Jan 26, 2006 1:11 pm 1642 Views
I am not this wanting I am not even this pain I am somewhere else Deeper, Meaning full Free These Habits of desire are not living They are a habitual dying of choice To surrender to what is Or suffer, endlessly Continually Wanting 15 April 2005

 

 

Back in my fathers house	Jan 21, 2006 2:29 pm 1778 Views
I saw the mess in the basement Was being cleaned Repairs were being made You must start there In the blood and the mud To seek anew the foundations laid Beneath every thing The essence there, is plain to see Surrounding us everywhere Behind the gun, held to our head, Is an amazing place There's no one there, and nothing else Can ever begin to compare So it's up to you. WCW 11/23/2005

 

 

Musings on baggage (from last june)

Jan 21, 2006 2:29 pm 1889 Views

i think about the past and what i thought I did want that now gives me nothing but pain: so so bittersweet, the loss of all the beautiful young women who loved, that left all the beautiful young women who loved, that i left these endless drama's of heartbreak such a beautiful story but so wearying to the soul. my limited vocabulary has failed me again More confusion than truth this dazed walking around in the dark

 

 

117 words on Mr. Cohen

Jan 20, 2006 10:30 pm 2194 Views

If I had "a secret life" I would die, because I could not keep it secret from you. Still I know where I find my pleasure, and I know what it will hold No mater where I find my self going, of course I return to the bank On bogie street that hold the mortgage on my soul. I gaze through the window confused, have I not been here before The buzzer to enter, the guard at the door I know I was robbed here a long time ago. I walk by quickly trying not to remember With who and for what and how there It all came to me this morning My father really did care.

 

 

No choice	Jan 20, 2006 8:02 pm 885 Views
But to love Any option leaves us smaller And the world darker Wanting this light To see the path That is before me 20/1/2006

 

 

Limits? Jan 20, 2006 8:38 am 761 Views I am here do not ask more of me I am all that I can be No striving for any greater love Or happiness will bring us A better experience I cannot be the answer I am only the question Like narcissus looking for my reflections I find no answer, only peace From prosecution and my heirs. Wanting is pure hell Only solace found in surrender Calling from emptiness Recalling the price of separation This merging breaks my heart To empty again, only to find Fruition in the filling once more. 19/1/2006 Edit Post   Hide Post 1 comment

Torture Jan 19, 2006 6:18 pm 735 Views I cannot tell you what pattern drives This pain, into my heart, again and again I do know, whatever love I found Was always there, is now there. And will remain. So Why? do I return to this Missing the last object, the focus of my desire That is unavailable. Now, I am left only this wandering. Lost in being, then returning, to peace. April 27th 2005 Edit Post   Hide Post 0 Comments

Foreign object Jan 19, 2006 9:23 am 1002 Views This sliver is it in my throat, or my heart? or are there two wounds like gifts separate yet complimentary, or is this mantra in my throat, the only obstruction blocking attempts at true speech "I don't want to hurt you" an old memory from childhood buried in the rubble of trauma whispering out of the tears I am left wondering who was being addressed? WCW 1/19/2006 Edit Post   Hide Post 1 comment

Fire Jan 13, 2006 9:40 pm 759 Views To burn, the flame must be fed, Give it all your wanting, every single desire All the fucked up, held back, never satisfied, Absolute hungering for love. All the fear of abandonment: Be alone with this burning All else falling aside, crumbling like towers in the flames Shiva Dancing in your heart of your homeland Burning everything you tried to keep safe, hold dear, protect. Feed it the love you have. The love you wanted Every tear, every orgasm, every last piece of shit All of it and more, nothing held back Or else spend your life in this fire, until you become old, and careful with fuel, Nurturing this small, precious flame. Every last dream of succor No one, nothing held back even this last small wanting. . . Burning Being: Annihilated Edit Post   Hide Post 0 Comments

Here Jan 12, 2006 6:29 pm 724 Views I stand again in this place Where nothing moves, no vision or stir of breath within Nyx's realm Without: bodies, sensations, a furry, the fire of motion Blind to what I see and denying what is before me at what speed does violence move in the heart ? how quick the defensive patterns response? who sacrifices to Ares in the green fields outside the city whose fine white stallions slaughtered with Krishna's Oxen ? in this fog of war that pervades the land. 1/12/2006 Edit Post   Hide Post 0 Comments

For better or worse, my own. Jan 12, 2006 10:55 am Mood: melancholy, 715 Views Betrayal in a novelty only once The ashes of bonfires mark the passage of my life burnt bridges, rain soaked pylons fairy circles on another shore no longer touching yet sympathetically connected loving words cannot change the past attention determines experience focus is crucial how awake, each moment can I be ? the deliverance I crave can only be found in this moment how quickly do I abandon myself? Edit Post   Hide Post 0 Comments

process Jan 11, 2006 11:59 am 828 Views Until you can earn your way Clean your den Every week/ Between the shifts Of those that care for you Clean the den of your heart Of what stain you may have laid to rest there Edit Post   Hide Post 2 Comments

three dots to many Jan 8, 2006 2:51 pm 634 Views Love is the voice at the door love is the sea rolling into your soul love is the moment not asking for anything more Uhh . . . Does size matter ? Yeah, uh hum, let's see it helps, but its the energy. . . You are so good at saying so little and then nothing at all nothing about you is quite innocent Edit Post   Hide Post 0 Comments

christmas lovers Jan 4, 2006 9:17 am 647 Views Christmas lovers I miss something often here with me I am artfully confusing sex and love are such different things. yet we do them both naked. I am not what i do, or even what i am essence beyond knowing i flounder in this storm of sensation occluded by thought and re action wishing only to lie there touching you 12/25/2005

 

 

christmass museing Jan 4, 2006 9:09 am 32 Views washing dishes in the kitchen I think of children in the world I want it to be safe & peaceful Something my home rarely was. i was to live something different than the story i used, to know, to use. if you really know what i mean. so there's my meandering heart singing out to me at the window to the earth, the sky and the tree. I want to speak so clearly of meaning That can only be found in the moment that continues a song held unbroken through every soul whether base or high we come round again to this moment the sun setting on the year nigh What we call forth into being this year could well be the last many see I ask that we all tread lightly its only one boat in the sea. WCW 12/24/2005   0 Comments This post is hidden. Edit post to unhide it.  Click to permanently delete.

words Jan 3, 2006 5:05 pm 596 Views A meditation for the Earth Body of star-ash, given form through water and desire Fired transformation, of old ancestral stories Moving through deep water darkly in to the light and shadows of the shallows, Quickened in movement and birthed in slow contraction after long gestation. This cosmos, this world, our bodies and our children Hold our deaths within their hearts To feel oneself as separate from the mother is Hubris Thought is a gift from the father with clear responsibility To return, deepen and embrace this re-late-ing To my family, my cousins, my ancestors is the re-membering of maturity. I may hold my body as a gift from Tumpallo My Intellect a function of Tingan, with A clear connection of the earth: community and abundance. Is it any wonder that I feel alone when I forget or deny this, Is it any wonder the bliss I am when I surrender too it's embrace? Give and it shall be given to you is an old adage. Our attention and intention are our most precious Gifts to share with the rapidly changing dream For they shape and hold, what is to come. Awareness imbedded in contextual space-time This dance partner of "now" is a beautiful chimera Quickening our breath into this body, time, & place So much is dying at our species hands Our species like a mindless virus the mother /father has birthed To destroy or make ready the earth / her-our body For a another beginning, awareness, peace That begins now, long ago, in a moment. 11/15/2005 Edit Post   Hide Post