More on Suffering

The belief that my personal unhappiness, was fixed and factual was long held. Of course i know it was a reflection of the pain and suffering that seems at times endemic to this planet and "this" time. It still feels that way often, yet it is unhelpful, to be rooted in this perspective. Once i see the cost of my beliefs, there is a movement not to continue the violence towards others and myself. For it is violence to not accept love, beauty as well. Life is neither "good", nor "bad", it is an experience that is both awesome and awful.

I may need to write more about this, but let me continue on the thread i am meandering on and get back to appreciating without judgment in a bit. I love to write about love, not as a Hollywood sweetness, but as a perhaps energy in a particular form, a god, like Venus (love) and Mars (war) we on earth move between these orbits, often forgetting we are surrounded by space, and when we allow ourselves some space, it is much easier to deal with emotions or reality, for they are (however powerful) only occurring temporarily in vast spaciousness, that is also within us.

I have come to question the validity of "my” feelings, as they tend to loop, and if (or when) I examine them, I see that they (the feelings) are habitual and originate in very early experiences. So what is happening actually is rather than be present, with a situation that is unique and never to be repeated, in fear, or unconscious habit, I contract and lose touch with reality and emotionally fall into a traumatic loop of the past.

It's so bizarre, it's like time travel, and the irony is I'm missing out on life and there is a deep knowing that life is pointless, if not lived now. So this desperation or seeing that I’m not present can reinforce the hopelessness in the moment.

The real miracle or wonder in life is as soon as i accept whatever is going on (even me not being present, or "looping") I seem to have access to the present which is (not to be overly cliché) truly a present or a gift. For I am surrounded by beauty and love and horror and destruction, yet i am not starving, or being tortured (except at times by the past) and I have been given the key, and i have been encouraged to walk out of the cell of my beliefs, into freedom of not knowing.

I love Leonard Cohen; he speaks of this so eloquently. "I don't trust my feelings, feelings come and go". He also speaks of how the inherent flaw "crack" in everything in the physical world is where "light" or god comes in.

There is a wondrous moment when you might glimpse your beloved as less than perfect, and we are gifted with true sight and our fantasy, or idealization fails. And if we are lucky, blessed, or truly reckless you say yes.

Yes to Love, and the reality of humanity, and all of a sudden, your heart is sundered open for there is no going back in love, only forward into what is to be.We have no choice, if we truly love, for love cares not for us, it only cares for its inevitable movement forward into life, into to what is, and to be, and again and again, we fall to our knees, saying "yes".