Gulf news blackout

GROUND ZERO - BIRDS FALLING FROM SKY -
BLOWING UP WHALES TO GET RID OF THE BODIES


Aqua Axel 1: ON GROUND ZERO

"I have to write this mail on a new cellphone because they have taken our phones from us. people don't know how bad this oil spill is.. i'm working in the cleanup operation and we've all had to sign a legal paper that stops us from talking to anyone.

I am onshore now and can't tell you where, but i've just finished a very long shift in the gulf and texting this... fast as i can. the military are watching us, they patrol the areas we work i cant tell you what i do cause they may know who i am.

Aqua Axel 2:

Dolphins whales, seabirds fish are all floating dead on the surface of the water... boats helicopters are scooping them away dead and dying... Whales are being exploded by the military cause they can't be carried. dead body's as far as the eye can see air smelling of "Benzene"... We've seen birds fall from the sky. Workers are falling sick we, think some workers have died. My friends are hard oil men it was ok to at the start but now we cry.

Dead sea life is as big as Genocide you wont imagine it"

Fathers Day

Happy fathers day, Fathers and sons and daughters. Mothers and Grandfathers, old and coming back fresh with gleaming eyes. I awoke today thinking about where i was last year (in France) and how quickly time is beginning to move as i age and the scale becomes a little larger. Likely such trips and freedom would not exist if  was a parent. I seem to manage a fair number of problems with tools, as well as life, much less children if i had them or a life partner (even an enemy is company in hell). I can't imagine the guilt i would feel fucking up someone else besides myself and my lovers and family.It's part of having such a narcissistic wound, an intense focus on the life, the world, "myself" tools, and the work. Life, like my car or computer or espresso machine, they are alive and have spirits attached to them that want attention and care at the least, and offerings and parts or service when ignored.

Awareness without belief in criticism helping the moral fiber, or individuation process, is a huge relief for me, my work and life. Just being willing to start over, again and again, as necessary. Learning through failure teaches us far more important messages than success. If Obama actually follows through with the opertunity presented by the spill, we can shift to clean energy. This is exactly the opertunity that exisged immeadeatly after 9/11  the direction and the focus will determine the future for decades, if not the human race.

an image from Palau, or Yap the god of construction image is carved in the "men's houses" where the men live collectively with a few shared females (usually visitors from the neighboring tribe) whose images are also carved on the houses. For many men, work is in the end what gives our lives form and either destroys us or sustains us. It is a mirror that we either polish or break. For others it is family. In either case it that which perceives which creates the image.



I don't know how to attach this image, i'll try later.

Drug store rant

I'd rather write about this than the anniversary of my old sponsors
death. As well as my dad's, and his birthday. he gave so much to the
world, and us, yet left a hole in my heart that can only be dissolved,
never filled. While i know they are here, I feel them directly in my
heart and walk and see them in my dreams, I still miss the dead, the
10 Americans in Afghanistan today, all the grief and the pointless
rage, even my own, expressed as "art" or culture our ultimately, in a
desire to help, to foster thought, a commentary on our culture.

The entire loss leader and un stocked merchandise (garden supplies)
advertising program was effective in bringing me into the store,
however the exclusion of "gift card" to medical supplies results in a
bitter taste in my mouth and no desire to return.
The exclusion of medical purchase with the "gift card" makes it seem
more like a , well use your imagination, because I want to be polite.
The exclusion belies your true corporate desire, to exploit those who
are ill or fear sickness, aging and death. Your "Rite Aid" is to the
Board members and large shareholders. They (or your board economic
manager, don't consider the long term viability of their short term,
endless growth model of business.

Rite Aid ignores and disdains the selective consumer who discerns the
unwholesome artificial "food" which is actually poison, If your going
to sell food or any other product besides medication, sell good
healthy ones. Fresh vegetables, whole grains and cereals.
Not liquor, fast food and likely tobacco products as well, the irony
is overwhelming.

While the Marin community may be over educated as well as over
consuming, they will eventually see through false images and see the
devouring maw of capitalism. The fact that it is there own face as
well leaves us questioning the future of America, and the western
consumer culture as a whole.

It's my own fault for not reading the fine print on the coupon, but
thought I'd share because you pretend to care.

Dad 20 years later

This is really cool. I did not even know my dad wrote this.They know more about it than I.


20 years later, my father makes me proud of his example. If my heart is true, it is because I follow his light.

http://oregonstate.edu/ua/ncs/archives/2010/may/oregon-state-releases-unpublished-william-appleman-williams-novel-online
 

20 years later, my father makes me proud of his example. If my heart is true, it is because I follow his light.



>bk>

Yoga

Yoga is starting to open a door in my body and mind through which,
awareness shines.There is a moment of peace, which allows me "drop"
into my body. As if awareness was something Seeing briefly and worse,
knowing the trauma at the break between the two. I am learning not to
react, or flinch when I become more aware of the conflict or chaos
when I move without awareness. Although it looks at times that 99% of
my life was lived without this peaceful love of embodiment, order
within chaos.My natural grace is a function of awareness of intention.
Often without awareness, driven by my thoughts, I move, and work, and
live in a way that hurts me.The first response to this awareness is
anger. "I" feel angry because life, the world "god" however one speaks it, is telling me to grow up, because the result f life, is death.I
meant to say" "grow up"; to be happier and more alive" but either way, the result is death, and I can live and write these days, with love
and meaning and passion. Or disappointed, sad and miserable. The
choice at this point does lay in my hands, and i always have, and with
grace will.

Honestly choice has never been mine. Things happen one from another,
but often the forces that move and shape our lives are unseen, felt,
or understood quickly, if ever. Occasionally, I would term this peace,
or constantly (fear) we appear to have "a choice" but mostly it is
inconsequential, or not, it is clear from this advantage point to see
at the least the immediate harm or benefit in an action, or refraining
from it. In the long term, or greater pattern, such true opportunities
are both rare, and every moment, again, largely unseen or imagined, by
those with us, or those with the power or the daring to affect
positive change. Largely we unceasingly, act from small selfish
interests that bring transient pleasure: That ends with lasting heath
consequences. The distractions of greed and laziness and fear, the
scarcity response = violence. This inability of simple consciousness
allows us to remain mired in the endless cycle of aggression and
response; collectively we are both unable and unwilling to face the
demands as a species to mature. The unending chaotic swirl of and
economic, social and physical degradation is barley held back by the
distractions of a technological juggernaut of both development and
disaster that has us dancing at the edge of a global precipice.

These consequences are as relevant regardless of where they fall, and
upon whose shoulders. Whether directly, in the economic, physical, or
social health of the individual, community, or global impact, it is
one connected system and it is madness to continue to make political,
social or economic decisions without understanding that the economy is
far more illusionary that we know, and the positive economic, global
energy and food production issues are a product of our conditioning
and it is long past time for radical change in the framing of our
social, judicial, and global goals.

School, Suicide & Bullying

My earliest memories of school are bland, empty of much meaning or impact. I remember per-school with my sisters? No, they were too old, but perhaps I did get taken down the block by my slightly hung over father in a little red wagon to pre-school once or twice. I was certainly told the story often enough.

Bullying and abuse did not really cross my awareness until I was in 6th or 7th grade and when it did, there was and is only hurt confusion and pain. Somehow, I knew that it was not about me. That there was no way that I could be so important in these children's lives that they would act in such a way. What is clear, its that I understood, how and why we kill. How we ignore suffering and abuse, how we contribute to suffering every day, in millions of small ways and that it is truly the darkest shadow of humanity.

Why do we hurt each other, our friends and innocent bystanders? Those who are different, often prettier, smarter, or somehow slower, more vulnerable, those of us who cry easily. We are all targets. All you
have to be is a minority, it does not matter what kind. Bullies target
minorities, and in that I mean it statistically. It's like primate
behavior, and again, defenders of abusers, (for that is what bullies
are) are both sick and likely abused themselves. If something is seen
as normal, how can it be a problem? If verbal and physical violence is
portrayed and accepted and lauded in our society, in our foreign
policy, how do we then blame our children for taking up what we have
shown them on TV, video games and how we communicate within our
families and with our friends? We start to be abusive, sarcastic and
ironic to show intimacy, and even in our sickest moments, love.

 So how does this relate to a 12 year old boy holding a stolen gun
waiting for his bullies in the bushes in a small Oregon town in 1972?
I don't really know. I just remember being scared all the time. That
still I wonder how I make it through the world seeming so calm, when
it's all there inside me. The trauma, the violence, and worse; the
earnest hatred that was so calmly expressed, ahhh there indeed is the
root of my cynicism and nihilistic hatred of humanity and life itself,
for if this is life and human society, I realized I wanted nothing to
do with it.

 And sometimes reading the papers, I wonder, has anything changed at all?

Insomnia

Just not sleeping well. I often awake in from dark dreams,
into the dark, full of fear, not anxiety, not panic, just my old friend fear.
Fear of rejection, of loss, of love, of life and
lately, strangely, lately as i come to love life,
i find a new fear, that of death.

Feeling the reality of transience. That while life might be brief and fleeting, I have lived long enough in this short half of a century, too see this world de-forested, our native flora and fauna destroyed, our Oceans fished "out" and filled with garbage. Banally, without regard or thought. Purely for convenience and profit. Armageddon as a derivative consequence of greed and the choice of convenience over compassion.

I'm afraid I have too, have wasted this precious  life, planet, love affair called life. That I'm  guilty like anyone else alive today. That somehow i could have stopped this, and that when i die, it will all be made clear, where i went wrong, and missed the opportunity for our salvation.

I cry because I'm just sad and in pain; I cry tears of gratitude that these fleeting experiences are not "overwhelming" that I'm not medicating them,
that I can access resources of love, of wisdom, of perspective and
knowing that whatever happens, it is already ok.

Grateful that in this moment, this morning, that what is asked of me to endure is so much less than my fellow humans without any hope or opportunity for self redemption,
but there speaks hubris. Many of my brothers and sisters
are far wiser and know love and peace better than I.

I'm grateful that it's so easy to get up and cry, and write, that "I" have toilet paper to blow my constantly congested nose in. Grateful that I want connection, intimacy, love and peace. As opposed to power, money, control, excess materialism, or worst of all,
the deadly security of belief.

Finally breathing deeply, comforted, that  here, in this karma that it may come to an end. That I might find some rest and compassion somehow, in this life. That I may stop running scared. That I might find myself loving in the dawn, accepting all
that I has been love &  feared, in this wild journey,
a movement towards gratitude, called life.